In the Sadness

I don’t know what it is about today, but I am so stuffed with emotions right now. It’s so good to start writing.

I’m feeling really sad. It is the kind of sadness that burrows inside like a sharp knife and spreads itself like thick, warm mud throughout my whole body.

I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I think at first I would have said that I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s easy to say ‘I don’t know’ as the first response to big emotions.
Where did we learn that from?

Is it that we really don’t know?

Or that we weren’t taught to ask ourselves where our feelings are coming from?

Or that we expect instant answers and don’t have experience with allowing the revelations to move through us, though sometimes slowly?

The truth is, I do know why I’m sad.
We have recently had an experience where we were left out of something big. And I want to shake someone and cry and tell them how it feels. I think I’m also sad that being an adult sometimes means that I need to move through my feelings without blaming someone else.

When all I want to do is blame right now. I do.

I want to scream and tell them it’s their fault, and THEY were disrespectful and rude.

Sometimes it’s difficult to know how to handle being hurt by someone. I mean, there are some people (my husband included), where I can speak openly about being hurt. I can discuss it and move through it and we can both understand each other deeper. Then I can box it up in a nice little package, and discard it. Renewed and more connected with myself and the other person. But there are other people that never allow any feelings like that to come close them. They will viciously attack back, even if the intention was to address it in a vulnerable respectful way.

So what do you do with people like that?

With the ones that you don’t feel safe in sharing your feelings with?

And what I am learning is that it is okay for me to FEEL whatever I am feeling. That doesn’t mean that I need to PUT IT ON ANYONE. No one can MAKE me feel a certain way, I know that.

And yet, there is some sadness again.

Each time I write, I learn more about myself. I am learning that I appreciate sharing my feelings, even if it’s hurt and sadness. I appreciate sharing them with someone that is opening to hearing and growing and becoming closer. And for me, sharing, voicing, having a voice, helps me feel stronger as a human.

I think just hearing my voice reminds me that I am okay, and that I am not alone. 

So. It’s sad that there are people (only 1 or 2 now) in my life, that I still cannot share completely with. That they are maybe stuck emotionally and seem to be incapable of opening to vulnerability,
to connection,
to truth. And so something that bonds some of us, needs to be dealt with alone because I don’t feel safe in sharing. 

And maybe the more I get to know myself, and know that I grow through sharing, maybe I also am learning that not everyone does. And that I cannot make someone grow with me and my feelings. That me EXPECTING someone to give a shit about my feelings is also me not recognizing that we are all different.

That we come from different places.
That we need different things.
That we don’t see things that same way and never will.

So here I am, full circle, maybe dipping my toe in a place of compassion. But definitely recognizing that my expectation of other humans and their apparent short falls is actually MY shortfall

And for that, I am also sad.

Goals Smoals

In the midst of a lot of movement these past 6 months, I have felt like I am just keeping my head above water. Literally. It’s like 4 or 5 different things have been in the works at a time.

What do you do when life is like this for you?

Sometimes I feel excited and ready. Other times after I’ve been buzzing all over the place, I feel like I am literally falling apart. It’s like I don’t have any energy to listen to another person, or write a blog, or even pick my clothes up.

This morning as I got up, I felt that way. Super emotional and overwhelmed. And it wasn’t that everything is a disaster and imploding. In fact it’s the opposite. This is the beginning of a whole new book for my husband and I. His work is finally in the process of completely transitioning, which is such incredible news.

I can see the goodness all around me, I know it’s there. But because of how busy and buzzy and emotional everything has been, I’m not feeling the joy yet. I need to feel the other parts first. The sadness, the endings, the relationships that suffered, the physical emotional mental energy that was extended, the strain on my relationship with my hubby, etc. It’s like before I’m ready to jump off the cliff and into the next book, I need to honor this one.

I need to apologize to my hubby for being snappy and shutting down.

I need to make amends with myself and some of my friends.

I need to give myself a big hug and tell myself it’s okay to be human. It’s okay to have a hard time. It’s so funny, isn’t it? You guys probably aren’t that different than me with this. I sense that I am depleted or sad or overwhelmed or even angry and then I get MAD at myself for that.

‘Jackie! What is wrong with you! You shouldn’t feel that way! Stop!’

How could me being MAD at myself for having emotions possibly bring me ANY CLARITY or PEACE or SELF LOVE at all? Why do we do this?

Now, I am getting better. I can at least recognize the voice AFTER it has spoken. I can hear it clearly and after the shock that I’ve ‘wronged myself again,’ has worn off, I shake my head. How is that HELPING ANYTHING???

The thing I really need is to love myself. I need to tell myself all the things I would want to tell my little child. That  it’s okay for me to be where I am, and that I just need to rest, and breathe, and love the parts that feel unlovable.

I know I want to start moving forward with a ton of goals. But maybe today isn’t the day. Maybe today is for a big cup of coffee and lots of tears and hugs and sadness and breathing through and knowing there are many many more days for goals coming up.

Live Your Truth They Always Say

I am in the middle of an interesting situation and had some thoughts about the concept of ‘living our truth.’

This is something that we always teach our children, remind our friends of when they have forgotten, and tell ourselves under our breath when life gets a little crazy,…
Live your truth. Live your truth. Live your truth. No one else is going to look out for you, so you must live your own truth.

Though I stand behind that 100%, I am suddenly in the middle of a predicament with a client. What my heart wants is now different than what she wants.

What do I do?

Do I stand up for who I know I am and the work I know I can do and say no to her?

Or…

Do I see that maybe the Universe wants me to push myself beyond my own limitations?

 

In the past, there were plenty of times that a creative situation didn’t SEEM like I would be ‘living my truth,’ so I bailed. I straight up walked away. Though I thought I was fearlessly standing up for myself in the face of possibly losing myself, what if I also didn’t give myself a chance to learn something new about life, or myself?

It just sort of struck me that if I only LIVE MY TRUTH, and only get involved in projects, people, experiences that I 100% KNOW for a fact will be amazing, how will I grow? Also when has anything, anything in life worked out completely the way we think it will?

Uh never.

Sometimes things work out better, but they are never exactly like we have them in our brain.

What is comfortable for me, may not be the best way for me to always grow. I want to learn more about myself, always, I truly do. So this realization that only moving forward when I can see the WHOLE path and it resonates with me FULLY AND COMPLETELY, doesn’t actually make so much sense.

So I am keeping my heart open. I realize I might have accidentally stepped into some uncharted (and currently undesired) territory, but I’m going to trust that it’s here to teach me something.  Maybe it’s to not try and have all the answers all the time, or let go of control, or play my way through it, or trust intuition. Lets be honest there are any number of LESSONS I could have lined up to learn. But for me, the important thing is to always be learning. Even if I hate this new situation. At least I said yes and put myself out there, and finished what I started.

What are your thoughts on sticking to your TRUTH versus allowing the Universe to sometimes guide? Do you go for that? Or does that feel like giving in?

Also, for me I am realizing that it’s not about the answer that I decide to give, yes or no, to this project. It’s only about the intention. I could say YES and then hold a grudge and feel totally put upon. Or, I could feel my anger and sadness, release them, and then say YES because I am ready for a new unexpected experience. In both instances I SAID YES but the last one is way more empowered. I know that when I have felt my feelings fully, I can move forward with a clear head.  I am going to take my time working through all these feelings so my answer can come from a strong, powerful, authentic place.

 

 

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