Tag: pregnancy

Quarantine Lessons

Yes, I know, it’s been so long since I wrote anything on here. It’s hard to believe how different life was just a couple of months ago, and it just keeps getting more and more bizarre. I’m sure all of you are at home quarantining as well, and I know there is a lot of anxiety and fear in the air.

What are the lessons you’ve learned so far? I get it. I know most people don’t think about the lessons when they are right in the middle of chaos, but they always provides me a sort of raft so I don’t mentally go underwater.

Here is what I’ve learned so far:

  1. As difficult as keeping a schedule can be, I can see the benefits now more than ever. Making sure I am creating time to do the things I want to do (and have been needing to do), makes me feel more in control of my life in the times when there isn’t much I am actually in control of.
  2. All the times I’ve taken for granted being able to BUY whatever I wanted at anytime, and it would appear on my doorstep a day later. It’s much harder now, and I trust that when the time comes that I can actually visit stores, or order whatever I want online, I’ll be much more grateful.
  3. Do things now that we imagine! It’s so easy to put things off, so easy! And yet, here we are living in a crazy world where we CAN’T just get done what we want, or receive services we would like, or finish projects we started. This is a huge lesson for me. If it’s in my head, take the jump and get out there. We never know when life won’t be so easy to make things happen.
  4. Being more in the moment. Because we aren’t buzzing around in our cars, and staying busy every second, the only option is to slow down and notice LIFE AROUND US. I know for years society has taught us that the only way we can feel good about ourselves is if we are ACCOMPLISHING and PUSHING and RUNNING IN CIRCLES. It’s pretty ironic that we can’t do any of that now. So instead of pushing against what is happening, I am leaning in to the quiet, and the slow.
  5. This is the perfect time to be creative!  And really, maybe it’s always been the PERFECT TIME, but life got in the way before. Now, there is NO excuse. Life is on hold so our creative lives can catch up. That is exciting!
  6. Mindless shopping and even social events can be a great distraction from what we are FEELING, and a way to procrastinate what we want in our lives. We no longer have those options, so I’m definitely looking at my own distractions differently. I can choose to be aware of how I live my life and what I want out of it. I can live intentionally, even in this crazy pandemic.
  7. Having intentions everyday helps me feel good about what I am doing and where I am headed. Since intentions are a mental awareness, they don’t need to depend on anything outside of us. This is a great reminder that I can still feel at peace, productive, share love, and feel creative, regardless of what is going on in the world.

I know there are a lot more lessons out there, but I’m starting with these 7. I hope everyone else is learning and growing as well. We will come out of this stronger. We will get through this together.

 

 

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Happy Birthday to Me!

Ever since I can remember I have always taken the day off for my birthday. I believe it should NEVER be spent in the office. Anything is better than working on your birthday.  Even though I don’t work in an office any longer, I still like to respect my day to take off and do something that feels new and fun and full.

However, this year is a little different. The last couple of days I have been in the middle of a hormone cyclone, that feels like PMS on hyper drive. I’ve heard this can happen in pregnancy, but wow,… it’s really really intense. I feel like I need to just cry and cry and cry and everything feels like these ginormous issues that I have no control over. I woke up this morning and realized that I just didn’t feel like taking off for the whole day.

So,.. here I sit in the library writing out this blog, moving through my feelings. I’m noticing the shame that I carry around for feeling a lot. Even though I KNOW it’s hormones, and I KNOW it’s pregnancy, the fact that I can’t CONTROL these intense emotions creates an unbearable amount of shame. I did some morning page writing about my relationship to shame this morning, and it’s sort of a fascinating concept, even as I get older. Instead of feeling compassion for myself when I am obviously hurting, why is it so easy to go to a place of shame? Of disgust? Right now I am consciously choosing to see myself as little Jackie that isn’t wrong or bad, just hurting. The way I would want to see my daughter when she’s hurting. I don’t need to be different, and I can’t so easily just push this away. So here I am, on my birthday writing about shame and feelings. ahahha

I think afterwards I’ll enjoy a good cry and a drive and a nap. What a wonderful way to celebrate a birthday. In a place of rawness, especially if I can spend most of the time just loving who I am and trusting that the feelings always move on once they are acknowledged and welcomed. xo

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Holy Hell

Holy hell it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Sheesh! Actually it’s been awhile since I’ve done much of anything it feels like. I’ve started just making sure that I am making art, doing some writing, meditating, and the rest feels like it’s been driving Brian to/from school, and family stuff.

Something you may not know about me (why would you, I don’t tell anyone) is that I would like to have a baby. I think I’ve avoided coming out and saying that for a couple of reasons.

1. Everyone I know already has kids, and I feel like I’m starting late. So this has caused years of back and forth with should I or shouldn’t I? Do I want it or not. I think I was afraid people in my life would think it was a stupid idea, or that friends wouldn’t stick around. Funny, it sounds so silly when I spell it out.

2.  My husband has 2 kids, and quite honestly, especially this year, I feel like I’ve got them as well. Why would he want to start over with me? I mean he says he does, but for YEARS (literally for years) I denied my true feelings about having kids because I thought it would scare him away.

The truth is I want to be a mother.

My hubby and I have been getting acupuncture every week for months to help with fertility. My cycle has always been super long, and it really hasn’t changed at all since I’ve started this. Last week the acupuncturist mentioned she could tell I’ve got a lot of emotions that need to be released and she suggested doing some writing and FEELING. I am very familiar with Morning Pages. I did Artists Way 3-4 times and it was so incredible for me, so I thought why not, I can start those again. I gotta tell you though, at first even thinking about writing my thoughts down on paper, no matter what they were was giving me so much anxiety. I don’t know, I guess I was afraid of what I would find. But I started them anyway. Suddenly I am in a place of digging deeper into my psyche than I have in awhile. I am making all these connections and hidden realizations again! Ha!

I feel 1000 times more connected to myself than I have been in a long, long time.

This has been extremely helpful.

A couple of days ago during a writing sess, I realized something. I’ve been so drained, so emotionally trashed from running here and there, recalling our lists, contacting the kids mom, driving Brian, having parent convo’s, working things out with teachers, having more issues with him, etc. I realized that all of this, this parenting stuff could be the very thing that is preventing my body from figuring out my cycle. It’s like I don’t have the space to bring a new baby into the world.

There isn’t enough of ME to do it.

After talking to the acupuncturist yesterday, she confirmed it. She said that my body probably feels like I am already a mother, so why would it need to be more of one? It was a really sad realization. I am giving so much of myself, and yet, in this situation there is NO boundaries with my limit, or my role. It’s just this free for all that I keep jumping into over and over again. Maybe all of this needed to happen so I could see the truth of the situation. I know I have the power to change it, I do. I can make any changes I need, because I am not going to allow whatever outside forces there are to stop me from getting what it is that I want

FOR MY LIFE.

It’s hard because when I’m around these kids, I love them, I want to show up the best that I can. Especially because their MOTHER can’t mother, she can’t show emotions, or empathize so I’m automatically without even thinking, taking it all on. Unfortunately, no matter how much I do for them, and love them and try to give them what I think they are missing out on, it’s not enough. Though I think they appreciate it, the truth is, they want their MOM to give it. They will always want their mom to give those things.

So how can I be there, but not be so emotionally drained by all of it? I don’t want to disconnect. I don’t want to be uninterested. That’s not who I am, but how do I take care of ME at the same time preserving my emotional balance?

I would love any advice from someone that has gone through a similar situation. My acupuncturist said it’s very common for women that are taking on families like this to struggle with having their own kid. Please send any helpful info my way. I know there is a better way to balance things. I would love to hear any thoughts!

Sending you all love and light…

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