Okay you do it, thank you!

Helloooooo Monday! Oh my gosh you should see the RAIN! It seriously won’t stop. I feel both amazing and a little like I’m over it. We usually get like 4 days a year of this kind of thing, but this year the rain HAS. NOT. STOPPED. It’s almost like we live in the Midwest or something. Sheesh!

Okay so I was in the studio this morning, after having made the decision to CUT into my humongous 140 lb. hot press watercolor paper. Yes, now is the time. It’s glorious thick paper, and I want to use it!

Anyway.  I was sitting out there on my hands and knees with my X-acto knife and my pencil and trying to measure this 6 foot paper with a t-square (which is a horrible idea on the ground, aka doesn’t work). And I realized something.

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I hate cutting.

I do. I mean I really hate it. I don’t ever get it straight. I hardly understand rulers to begin with.

I start sweating.

I get annoyed.

I just want it to be over. Ahhhahasdolrihaeksfv nalkdergn!!!!!!

This. Is. So. Stressful!!!!!!

 

Then I suddenly thought,’I WONDER IF SOMEONE CAN DO THIS FOR ME??’

Whhhhhat!!? It’s like the heavens opened up

I used to ALWAYS think I need to do everything on my own, but not anymore! If we are all geniuses at something, why not use other people’s genius to get us where we wanna be, right?

So here’s the deal, I’m taking my big ass role of expensive paper over to Fed EX, and THEY are cutting it for me!

Ha!! This is the best decision I’ve made this year.

Now I can get back to making art. Yesssss!

 

Aha! Are you Fuc***g kidding me?

So,.. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I haven’t been feeling well. Actually I’ve been in bed for nearly 2 weeks. Horrible cough, sore throat, clogged nose, you name it. There were a couple of days where it was clearing up, and I thought I was getting better. But then all of a sudden I was hit again.

Now this is odd for a couple of reasons.

First of all, I NEVER get sick. Like literally never. If I start getting slightly ‘off,’ I will just sleep a bunch and whatever it is has moved on. I have a really strong immune system.

Second of all, I have had a tendency to get sick when there is something not right emotionally in my life. I’ve lost my hearing before when I had a boyfriend that wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Like ever. I lost it for a month until we broke up. Once that happened, my ears opened up the next day.

I’ve also lost my voice or my nose has become so clogged. When I realized that I felt like I ‘literally couldn’t breathe’ in my life, everything cleared up once I used my voice and spoke up to my husband.

So this is totally normal for me. However, this time I’ve felt REALLY sick.

My mother gave me the idea to sit in the tub for 2 hours at a time with baking soda and epsom salts, and drink a gallon of water to clear out my chest. I must admit the baths have been amazing Jackie time extravaganzas, but they haven’t helped.

I did try another one this morning. Here is the pic.

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Anyway, I was starting to get really frustrated. I want to get on with my life! I want to BREATHE again! And sleep! And talk normally! And swallow! And create without snot dripping onto my piece. Is that asking too much??

I thought about the feelings I’ve had while being sick. I’ve felt INCAPABLE, STUCK, DISCONNECTED, UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING, a bit like a VICTIM, etc. etc. etc.

Then I thought ‘Hmmm I wonder where I’ve felt some of those feelings in my life in order to bring forth this experience.’ Yes, I believe in this kind of stuff.

In other words ‘WHY THIS, NOW?’

Suddenly, I realized that for a long time in regards to my husbands ex wife, I’ve felt very INCAPABLE (of mothering the way I want to), STUCK (in a situation where I have no power), DISCONNECTED (from being their mom and yet I take care of them emotionally and do a lot for them like a mother would), UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING about this situation (because my husband was married to her, so he should communicate with her), and a bit like a VICTIM (what the fuck am I supposed to do, I’m doing too much, I’m not doing enough, I can’t do this…)

Aha! This could be it!

So I’ve decided something. My LIFE no longer revolves around her. I did not marry her. I will contact her when I want some information, or clarification, regardless of if my husband wants/needs/cares to communicate with her. I will do this because I need to feel empowered in my situation, and sitting on the sidelines WAITING for other people to ACT the way that I THINK THEY SHOULD ACT does

NOT

EMPOWER

ME.

Also, she’s got Asperger’s and is difficult to communicate with. Thank Gawd my hubby and I are finally aware of this. We used to write cutesy emails to her and get these really cut and dry (rude, lez be honest) responses from her. So we have began mirroring our emails to her responses. Basically being very straight forward with no warmth.

However, this is not me. So in the spirit of changing,.. here goes.

I will not change my tone of voice with her face to face, or in messages. If I am changing who I am because she’s not responding to me the way that I WOULD LIKE HER TO RESPOND TO ME, then I must not be honoring who I am very well. I want to communicate to her with love, kindness, appreciation and compassion because that is what I who I am.

I want to be fully me. It is okay that she isn’t going to give me a shiny happy response. I don’t need that, I do not need acknowledgement from her.

All I need is to be ME completely.

Okay that is my rant for the day.

The sun is shining, my coffee is hot, my nose is clearing up already, and I have art to make.

Take that empowerment! 🙂

 

This is really happening

Oh wow, here we go.

Hello. My name is Jackie and I am a recovering closet artist.

Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

For years I had lived afraid of anyone seeing my doodles and art pieces, but needing desperately to make them. Then I moved a bit on from that but still clung to the idea that all artists must live in poverty. That silly belief is exactly what has kept me from living my full truth.

Finally, this year, I’ve decided I am moving into a different place. I want to feel joy as often as possible, and if creating art is where I am truly me, then that is where I should be, right? Isn’t that true for all of us?

I’ve attempted a couple of blogs in the past, I’m not gunna lie. But I end up getting bored of them, or feel like I SHOULD be writing about things that just aren’t coming natural to me.

This is going to be different.

I’m sick of being something I’m not or FOCUSING on things that don’t feel yummy, and passionate and full to me, like art.

Ha! So there you go.

I’ll show what I’m working on, describe where I’m headed (even just for that day), and share bits of my life. Because why not? I’m ready to be inspired by life and live fully in art every single day.

 

Here goessssssssssssssss

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