Shattered Reality

Yes it’s been a long time since I’ve written. Our son was visiting last week from his school in Boise, and I didn’t get a chance to do my blogging.

I’m writing from deep inside a fog right now.

Every morning that my hubby and I are at the gym, the news is blaring in front of us with terrible stories of fear and hatred and pain. I’ve always disliked being bombarded with such heaviness, especially in the morning, especially before I even really start my day. Unfortunately this morning, our community was on the news, unraveling, peeling, unearthing from the horrendous synagogue shooting on Saturday morning.

I think all of us are still in shock, with slivers of disbelief and moments of deep cutting pain.

This is something that happens in other places.

This is something that happens with other people.

Not here.

Not a mile from our house.

Fortunately our kids and my hubby’s family attend a different synagogue slightly further away. But this hits home so much more than we could have ever imagined.

Last night we attended the vigil and heard first hand the story retold by the Rabbi. There are so many excruciating details about the story and it’s easy to get overwhelmed with them. To constantly picture the horrible scene again and again, feeling myself being sucked into the story as if I were there.

The part that stands out for me the most through all the tragic details is the support, the love, the compassion, the bravery that we felt as we showed up to that vigil. It didn’t matter who was Jewish or not. There were people from all religions, ethnicities, backgrounds united in an event that has sent ripples of fear to everyone in the community.

I guess even as I write all this out, and feel the heaviness in my heart, there are gifts I am choosing to see.

  1. Life is fleeting. We don’t know what is going to happen today or tomorrow. Maybe the time to make amends is now. Maybe the time to be present, and love and be authentic is now. Maybe now is all we have. 
  2. In the face of tragedy, love shines through. People come together no matter how awful the reason. I am reminded that even though we get distracted, the reality is that we want to show up for others. We have empathy, and we want to feel connected. There is a lot more good than we realize.
  3. Bravery. I am baffled by the immense amount of bravery in not only this story but most of the hate crime tragedies. There are people taking extremely heroic risks. Could I be that brave? Am I brave? These acts are redefining what lengths we will go to to keep others safe. Although people may argue that humans are inherently selfish, surprisingly enough in the face of terror many are willing to react with bravery instinctually. I hope I could be the same. 

 

Just like I told my hubby, and I need to remind myself. It’s okay to be wherever I am right now. This was a tragedy, this was terrifying, and it did hit home. The best thing I can do is feel it as much as I need to, and allow myself to deepen in all areas from it.

Sending you all lots of love.

Jax

Old Friends Same Love

Hello! Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve written. I hope the holidays went well for everyone.

I’m working through some feelings about old friends. I think I have probably always seen my life as seasons and chapters. In one chapter these people where the ones I was super close to, or in this one, I was doing these things, and had this friend. Seeing life this way has made it a lot easier for me to recognize that these people were in it for that specific time and place, for lessons I needed to learn, and they aren’t necessarily going to be in all parts of my life. Now that’s not true for everyone. There are some friends where we have walked through more than one chapter together, hand in hand, and it’s been exactly what both of us needed. But when that happens, I think it’s because we were both learning and growing together, and from each other. Once the growth doesn’t feel in sync anymore, it makes sense that the relationship isn’t as strong, or it just goes away.

Even though I really get this intellectually, and have seen it play out many times in my life, it still makes me sad when I think about old friends. I feel sad that I don’t push to have them in my life, even if I know we are in different places. I feel guilty that I’m not missing them the way I feel I SHOULD.

I love my old friends. The ones that were with me through so much. The very small, few that knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. I miss feeling like I had those select people where we could talk and laugh for hours. I miss feeling that comfortable with someone. I miss that we could finish each other’s sentences or give each other a LOOK and we knew exactly what that meant.

There is a lot that I miss. 

But I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot. Some of these friends, it’s been 20 years since we were close. That’s a whole lifetime! I wouldn’t even recognize myself. For other friends, it’s been more of a slow burn. Maybe we stayed friends longer than we should of, but because of the love we both had, we stayed? For those friends, I’ve also changed.

I don’t miss the relationship.

I don’t miss feeling like I couldn’t fully speak my truth. I don’t miss feeling like we couldn’t work through anything.

Growth is hard I am realizing. I love learning about myself and growing, but this is one of those horribly painful growing pains. I’m just unable to swallow down how I feel anymore, and I can’t keep old relationships alive if that is what it takes. I would have loved it if we had moved at the same pace, if we had worked towards similar things. But I can see now that ‘my way’ isn’t the right way.

It’s just different. 

So in order for me to take care of ME, to honor ME, I will send love.

I will send the love that has always been there from the beginning of our friendship. But I need to hold myself up with more love than I have before, and I cannot settle when it doesn’t feel right.

I love you for the memories we had together, for having you to tell my secrets to, for feeling included and safe in your presence. I will always love you and I will continue to send you love as you journey through your life.

 

Flow joe mo so low

I am just so fantastically overjoyed to be creating what is naturally flowing from me. For probably the first time in my life I am embracing what I yearn to do without feeling like I need to be different. Ahhhh!

As I create this piece that feels aerial and yet deeply connected, I am reminded of what I truly value in life. Connection, always connection, and remembering that though we are on our unique journey, we are divinely connected. Who I am is because of all the pieces of friends and lovers and strangers and past experiences, both joyful and tragic.

Though it can feel lonely, we are never alone on this voyage. We are a constantly evolving, forever metamorphosing, conglomeration of everything we have ever thought, felt, fought against, cried about, spoke up for, breathed, loved, and surrendered to.

This piece feels like movement and flow and deliciousness. Ah!

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