Coming to Terms With My Past

Working through it,

learning,

growing,

discovering,..

and then beginning to understand how it all fits together.

The things I did, the things I didn’t.

The parts I wanted to hide, the pieces I did hide for way too long.

It’s all part of the journey. The whole time I played with this piece I was thinking about that concept, and once again, coming to terms with my past.

So, that should probably be the title. ­čÖé xo

 

What the FROG?!

Ok. Okay, so you’re going to die.

Literally MINUTES after I finished writing my last post, the strangest thing happened to me. Oh my gosh.

I had just walked away from the computer and was heading out to the garage to paint, when I noticed a small puffy lint ball on the ground.

As I looked closer I realized IT WAS A FROG.

A frog! A frog??

The small frog was covered in lint that resembled our rug.

What? How would a FROG get in our house? We never leave the doors open, and besides that,.. HELLOOO I live in San Diego. I have never seen a frog ANYWHERE around here.

I stared at him for a minute with my mind racing. ‘Oh my gawd what do I do what do I do what do I do how do I get him outta here what do I do?’ I started looking around in a panic for a box or a cup or something…

All of a sudden, he started hopping. He hopped across the rug, through the kitchen, under the bar,.. and plopped right into the CAT’S WATER BOWL.

 

frog in cats water.jpg

What. Was. That?

A frog appeared in my house?

Now if you know me, the first thing I did after shaking my head in disbelief was look up the MEANING of finding a frog.

Here is what I found out:

‘Frog spirit animals show themselves to us when we are ready to move on from a dramatic experience. They represent physical, mental, emotional and spiritual transformation. Just like the frog that cleanses itself in water, we need to cleanse our spirit from energy that is no longer serving it.’

Wow.

So there you go.  Just like the frog started out covered in fuzz and cleaned himself off, I am clearing away negativity and cleansing my spirit to show up as my true self. Yay!

Thank you Mr. Frog!

I love how magic surrounds us when we least expect it!

 

 

The Power of Being Seen

I told my stepson this summer that I was going to start giving him more attention for things he does that we APPRECIATE. Now, when you read that you may think that we must be a couple of strict, picky, parents. We’re not. But especially with two separate households, the kids can pick up on a lot of habits that wouldn’t be my choice. ahah I’m laughing to myself as I read this. No doubt in my mind that I’ve viewed ‘my choices’ for their lives as the ‘best choice.’

Anyway, I noticed over the summer that he was used to getting more attention for being disruptive, impatient, zoning out, and not following through. I think it sort of became a habit for us to notice and point out those things, so of course it only kept him bringing those attributes on even stronger. I suddenly saw it all for the first time, and made a promise that from now on we were going to notice all the wonderful loving things he does instead.

I may have already written about this, I don’t remember. I haven’t read back on my past blog posts. If I did, bear with me, this leads into where I’m actually headed. ahhah

Back to the story: He was surprised, and could hardly make eye contact when I started complimenting him so often. And I gotta admit, it wasn’t easy at first. I found little things and mentioned them to him. I said things like, ‘Wow, I appreciate that you moved out of the way when that person was walking right in front of you. That shows how aware you are…’ or ‘I’m grateful that you let me see what you’re working on. I love that you want to share things that are important to you.’

After about a day of this, he started to change. A little at a time he began showing up differently. He started using the manners I had asked him to use, he began putting his napkin on his lap in a restaurant, he even brought us kind little gifts that showed he was thinking of us.

He is one week away from starting at his new school, and has already began his computer programming classes, and he has transformed. I feel like I’m getting to know this precious being for the first time. For the past week, as we are putting him to bed, he looks up at me and says, ‘So what was your favorite part of the day for you?’ and ‘What are you most looking forward to?’ He’s courteous and playful and silly and happy and sharing his feelings. Last night I sat on the couch wrapped in my robe with his little head resting on my shoulder. He kept reaching for my hand to hold. I had no idea this little guy was so loving, so kind, so generous and thoughtful.

Isn’t it funny? We always assume that when a kid is ‘acting out,’ they need to learn to be BETTER to be DIFFERENT. But what if we just need to see them more clearly? Because when he’s getting his needs met, he WANTS to be kind, and helpful, and even patient.

Even beyond him, I’m loving the transformation with me. He’s only responding to the changes I’ve decided to make, and it’s completely transforming the way he sees the world and the way I see him.

Ahhhh! Love this parenting thingy.

Coming Back to This

I attempted this piece awhile back. It’s sort of like what I have in my art journal, but for some reason feels really expected and not very exciting. I’m going to keep working on it though and adding a different feeling to it. It’s funny how sometimes being inspired by an earlier silly doodle doesn’t always lead to a piece looking the way I want it. Maybe it’s because of the effortless flow from art journal versus actually attempting to CREATE SOMETHING. Hmmm

But after reading Big Magic for the 3rd time, I’m reminding myself that my work doesn’t need to be PERFECT or even AMAZING. I do, however, need to get it FINISHED. So it will get finished no matter what!

What does it mean to be an artist

This morning, in the quiet, dark morning, I was drawing in my art journal and reflecting on this past week. The kids are off in Europe with their mother for a summer vacation, and you’d think I’ve had a lot of art time. But it’s been a busy week full of lots of errands, and some family time. Parts have been fulfilling experiences and others that are just,.. you know,.. necessary.

Anyway. As I was allowing my mind to relax, I realized that I feel a bit uncomfortable. I’m feeling a bit muddled right now. Starting a new piece but not sure where it’s headed or what to do next. There’s been this gnawing anxiety inside as I work out what to do and how and if it’s even going to work.

I’m not feeling like an ARTIST.┬á

I hate to admit that but it’s true. I feel like a fake. I feel disconnected from whatever I thought I was and it feels yucky.

In that moment I jotted down some notes for myself.

Why is it that I only feel like an artist when I have the answers? 

Because when I think about it, being an artist isn’t HAVING the answers, it’s relishing the questions. And I’ve known this, I’ve felt it in my body before. But intellectually it’s UNCOMFORTABLE to be in a murky place, am I right? In a place where I’m feeling a bit tired and listless. But am I only an artist when I’m bursting into flames of passion and frothing at the mouth with excitement? Does being an artist really come and go just as quickly as my emotions?

No! It can’t! What if all of this is being an artist. All of it. Regardless of if I am in a buzzing bursting swirling place of joy or if I’m cloudy and unsure. I’m still a creator, I’m still searching and open and moving forward.

So this was a good reminder to have faith. Faith that there is always an ebb and flow to everything, and creating is just another part of existing. So have faith. I know I can do things to foster my creativity better than I have been.

  • I can meditate at 2 pm everyday like I planned, I can make that a priority.
  • I can remind myself to feel the sensitivity of creating when I draw. To let it absorb through my skin into my heart.
  • I can breathe through the murkiness and know that the bubbling film of questions will only lead me to the answers when I am ready to receive them.
  • I can go outside and notice everything around me that aches with beauty.
  • I can remember that being an artist doesn’t mean all I do is create. An artist must live, and it’s my job to feel, to see, to acknowledge the sacredness in all of life. That must be done outside of my little art studio.
  • I can focus on being present in more moments than I have been. Being fully there, with my eyes and heart fully open. That is the kind of artist I want to be.

Maybe it’s okay to sometimes feel lost. To sometimes not feel all that we truly are. Maybe those are the moments when we get to learn more about ourselves, and our strength then we ever knew possible.

 

 

Thank You Universe

Ahhhh! Can’t believe it’s already Friday again! Seems so crazy I was in Utah a week ago. I had this really great yoga class this morning. It felt so good to go back to basics (without all the torture and weights). It was back to deep breathing and acknowledging my body moving all by itself. Anyway, sometimes the yoga teachers have cheesy messages about life that they throw in during the practice. The┬ámessages can seem a little forced as if they thought of it on the drive over out of obligation,┬áso then I do a little bit of a mind wander. Other times you can tell that the teacher’s had an epiphany of their own that they are sharing. These times their message seems deeply rooted┬álike ancient wisdom being passed down.

This morning was one of those times.

What she said was simple but it was just what I needed to hear.

She said, ‘I believe everything that happens in our lives, even if it’s difficult, is for a reason. It is to teach us something. So it’s important to thank the universe for all of it, even the hard lessons.’

I also believe everything happens for a reason, but I haven’t done the second part very often. It was a great reminder to be sincerely grateful for the parts of my life that I don’t yet understand, and the faith to know that I will someday.

Ah! I love finding tidbits of inspiration throughout the day. I can feel myself becoming so much stronger and wiser and easier on myself. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Love this quote and this fierce powerful artist! Ahhhh! Her words shoot right through my soul!

Curiousssssssssssssss

Today is my official ‘Remain Curious’ day.
For New Years 4 months ago, my official word for the year was ‘Curious.’ I had dedicated it to just. being. curious. It’s okay to get excited about NEW ADVENTURES and EXCITING CHANGE and become PASSIONATE and ALIVE! But! It doesn’t need to be the end all. I can just be curious, check it out. Leaving the f**kin pressure behind!

It’s easy for me to get a little off track as the months roll by, so this morning I’m bringing myself back.
Instead of stressing out and feeling shame and blame and lots of have to’s, I’m going to remain curious,… with everything.
What is it I’m feeling?
Could I try out that new idea and see where it leads? It’s okay if it doesn’t work, but it might be fun!
What do I need?
What is my heart saying?
There is no have to, there is no SHOULD. I’m just allowing curiosity to move through my body. And it feels like such an easier way to live! Ha! I’ve made my life way harder than it needed to be.┬á

And so, to all of you out there,.. I’m sending you all lots of love and hoping that you too are discovering little life hacks of your own, that make your life MORE FUN, MORE RELAXING, MORE DELIGHTFUL in every way.

xo

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