Habit Bull

Hello everyone!

Ahhhh wow, another year is already in full swing. I’m so curious how everyone’s YEAR is feeling so far. I’m surprised that ours started with a bang. It seems like we have been going going going. I’m sure there is a lesson in there somewhere. It feels like this endless cycle of running, and planning, and deciding, and jumping from one thing to the next.

Is anyone else feeling similar?

I wonder if it’s a societal experience that society as a whole is feeling? I am sure our SMART devices, though they are amazing, aren’t really helping us catch our breath, or feeling ‘as one’ or more connected to ourselves. And yet they are so damn addictive! Sheesh! I’m recognizing that there is nothing better than lying in a hot bath with my phone on the other side of the house. And yet, it takes a lot of PLANNING and FOCUS to do that. The habit is to have the phone right next to me most moments. This isn’t healthy, I can tell it’s not.

I know the phone habit thing is experienced by most people, and that it’s a habit to compare ourselves constantly to the phony overly photoshopped pics on Instagram, or the overly embellished stories on Facebook. So I’m going to do my part once again to mess with my phone LESS than I am right now. I feel better about myself with some space away from it. I get more done. I feel like I can HEAR my inner voice better, and it becomes louder. There are so many reasons to disconnect from the phone more often.

If anyone is interested in doing this as well, or if you have another habit you’d like to kick this year,
I found an app for it!
I actually got the app because I have a TERRIBLE habit of picking my fingers and my face. So NOW I can track when I follow through and when I let myself down. Even though I’ve only been doing it a little over a week, and have plenty of days where I haven’t left my fingers (or face) alone, I’m becoming more aware of how often I go to pick and what is going on right before I decide to do it. Aha! So finally this may be the ticket to overcoming some old not cool habits.

Yesssssssssss!

Appreciate Again

I appreciate writing in the silence.

I appreciate that I trust I can move through my feelings.

I appreciate that I am resilient.

I appreciate that these noise cancelling headphones keep me wayyyyyyyyyyy more focused.

I appreciate that my hubby is always trying to support me any way he can. Even when I push him away.

I appreciate having a schedule.

I appreciate actually getting things done.

I appreciate trusting that the solutions will come, probably when I stop worrying about the problem.

I appreciate how bright blue the sky is.

I appreciate knowing I can pick my battles.

I appreciate these exciting, creative ideas.

I appreciate being out of the house.

I appreciate that feelings no longer cause shame.

I appreciate that it is okay for me to feel sad.

I appreciate that I can make the changes I want/need at any time.

I appreciate that I can see all these rows and rows of books.

I appreciate that our December looks like your May.

I appreciate that I have fuzzy kittens waiting for me at home.

I appreciate hot tea all day long.

I appreciate recognizing that maybe I feel shitty because I didn’t do my writing this morning. Maybe I can’t just skip something like that.

I appreciate having the fireplace on, once the temperature hits 68.

I appreciate remembering that I am powerful.

I appreciate noticing so many things I am grateful for.

I appreciate that I am creating!

Appreciate More

I appreciate being able to work things out with my relationships.

I appreciate recognizing that I can improve my confidence.

I appreciate learning lessons everyday.

I appreciate all the gifts that continuously come into my life.

I appreciate the silence.

I appreciate that my kitten knows when I get up in the morning that it is our meditation time.

I appreciate watching this beautiful hummingbird flutter in front of me.

I appreciate trusting that my emotions are all safe to feel.

I appreciate my bravery.

I appreciate that it’s okay wherever I am emotionally/mentally/physically.

I appreciate having a really awesome morning workout.

I appreciate allowing the tears to come out.

I appreciate a hot bath.

I appreciate good rest.

I appreciate that I am learning to trust my intuition better than ever.

I appreciate knowing that my body is doing the best it can.

I appreciate being capable of love.

I appreciate being loved.

I appreciate being ready to work through issues.

I appreciate my willingness to be vulnerable.

I appreciate my desire to show up for myself, for people I love, for strangers.

I appreciate leaving small gifts for random people to find.

I appreciate the slight rustling of trees in the breeze.

I appreciate the smell of my kittens when I stick my nose in their fluff.

I appreciate tiny beautiful moments that make up a day.

 

Opinions Beliefs Baggage Oh My

So this may come as a surprise, but I had no idea I am so damn opinionated. I guess being around kids must bring it out, all these hidden feelings and beliefs about how kids should be raised, how people SHOULD BE treated, how CONSEQUENCES SHOULD go, how lessons SHOULD BE learned, etc.

Obviously being so highly opinionated in a very unpredictable, sometimes dis-empowering, confusing, sometimes overwhelming situation just makes it all the more difficult.

But is the situation the problem? 

Or is it because I’ve come into the situation with all kinds of my OWN baggage and crap and beliefs and opinions and I’ve felt like it’s
my DUTY!
My JOB!
My NEED to sprinkle them along until everyone else
believes,
acts,
reacts,
and chooses the way I think they SHOULD.

Oh shit.

This feels very very yucky to write, but unfortunately it may be true.

Now, I know I can’t just allow people to take advantage of me anymore. That’s something I have definitely gotten under my belt.

And yet, I also can’t
MANDATE,
or CONTROL,
or DEMAND things to be different.

So maybe it doesn’t need to be so black and white? 

The more that I sit and meditate and concentrate on my breathing, allow myself to relax, I am finding the space within. The small whispered gap that says it doesn’t need to be either extreme.

I am not here to be hyper vigilant for everyone else, running around teaching, and validating, and predicting and researching and making sure everyone has what they need, and everything is running smoothly. All the while slowly (or freaking quickly) falling apart.

I’m also not here to hide away in my meditation closet with my fingers in my ears totally unaware of what’s going on while my power slips through the door and I’m left a shell of a human.

Wow. I just realized that BOTH EXTREMES leave me only a portion of who I really am.

Ha! How freakin’ fascinating!

With either extreme, I lose myself.

Like I’ve mentioned a zillion times before, I know I am here in this place, in this space, in this house with these humans for many reasons. But it’s not TO CHANGE THEM the way I thought it was. Oh gawd I actually did.

It’s to change me.

  • Can I allow the world to move as it will?
  • Can I allow people to make their own choices, minus me JUMPING IN TO SAVE THE DAY?
  • Can I allow life to teach the lessons it naturally teaches? And if they are learned, great. If they are not, that’s okay as well.
  • Can I still speak my truth, desires, and boundaries and make sure that I am following through with them to take care of ME in the very best way?

Because (here’s the clencher) I have a ton of my own lessons to learn, and don’t need to be so concerned with what everyone else is learning!!!

DING! DING! DING!!

It’s not my job to be LIFE’S LESSON TEACHER. ahhahahahh Sheesh. Sometimes just jotting down my feelings is the best way I can find out what is really going on.

I can learn to swing from tree to tree, trusting that life gives everyone what they (and I) need to learn.

Just stay in your own lane, Jackie, stay. in. your. own. lane.

 

 

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