Work It

Happy Friday!
I mentioned in 2017 how difficult it was for me to LEARN the tools necessary to get where I want to get.

For years I think I’ve had it in my brain that certain pieces of life that take TENACITY and FOLLOW THROUGH will just get easier, and I will be skipping my way down the lane without a care in the world. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to realize that this isn’t the way life works.

We. Have. To. Work. For. What. We. Want. 

Wow. Brain exploding right now.

Now it’s not that I am lazy. I am the opposite in many ways. I have a buzzing brain that is constantly dreaming up amazing ideas, and I am getting things done all the time.

But usually they are only things I enjoy doing. ahahah

One of my GOALS is to be able to sell prints of my artwork (if I choose), and to have a simple, easy to follow website. Wellllll as you can see, the only way I am going to have either of these in my life is to learn some things that I MIGHT NOT LOVE.

Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

It was a tough concept for me to wrap my brain around last year. Partly, I realized during our New Years self exploration week, is that I’ve had a really unhealthy relationship with TIME. I always felt like time was running out, time was disappearing, time was dissolving! With that belief, I never wanted to be stuck doing something that didn’t bring me joy. So instead of sticking with learning something new (like putting together a website I really enjoy),

I would just stick to making art. 

 

I have a really good girlfriend who is also an artist. She told me that she views working on her website just as an extension of her art. Though I love that concept, I hadn’t been able to grasp that idea for myself.

So I fought against it.

I wanted to complain and feel annoyed and irritated that I NEED to take the time to LEARN SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Rrrrrr…

After I realized that time only runs out quickly IF we believe that to be true, everything else has started to shift. I can say that as I sit here learning an online Photoshop class, and genuinely enjoying it. Ha! I am learning! I can understand it and I can see how it will help me get where I want to be. Yessss! 

 

Finally, now I can see the joy in all of it. Time isn’t running out, I have plenty of it, and it’s my job to get where I want to. I can do this. Even if I am tired and long to sit and paint or draw, I can do this first. I can make learning a priority.

 

 

I need a Change NOW

These past couple of weeks have proven to be some of my most difficult. Probably ever in my life. But through them, like icicles glimmering in the sunset, there are always nuggets of realizations and moments of discovery. This time is no different. I guess what gets me through the tough times is knowing without a doubt that there is SOMETHING for me to learn.

Something for me to deepen as a human.

Something that I may have missed before but that I am now ready to learn. 

 

So here goes.

The thing that has by far taken up most of my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual energy right now is BEING A STEPMOM. I know I know I’ve written about it a lot lately. I’ve done google searches and researched books that could maybe help me feel more empowered, more at peace, more in a place of joy. And yet most of what I read is pretty depressing. I mean it’s nice to see that I’m not along, but there isn’t a lot of ACTION ITEMS to try, which is what I am truly craving.

The truth is, I haven’t liked who I am lately. I’ve felt so tired and annoyed and irritated and quite honestly stuck. It’s a horrible feeling, and because there is probably nothing I dislike more than feeling like a victim, I know there is a way out.

There is always a path to empowerment, I just need to find it. 

This weekend was another one of those hard times. I spent most of it in tears, and exhausted from attempted to guide, and teach, and ask questions, and create plans, etc. etc. etc. and I’m left buzzing around from one thing to the next completely drained and unhappy. I don’t like feeling angry. I’m so sick of being upset and near tears so much of the time. This isn’t the way I want to be, and I know that my core is not.

Things need to change and I am so so so ready for it.

One thing I have learned from past experience is that the CHANGE I’m talking about needs to come from me. It doesn’t work to be waiting around for the ex wife to change, or the kids to change or the situation to change. They all have their own agenda and course to run.

The change NEEDS to come from me. 

But what is it? Hmmm…
I know I can meditate more.
I know there are a handful of things that I probably need to let go of.
I know I can’t do everything.

But how do I make these adjustments? 

Amidst all these questions running through my brain, I got this funny little realization. Perhaps it’s the title that is screwing me up the most. Since I’ve titled myself as a MOM, and the kids STEPMOM/BONUS MOM, there is instantly this pressure to do everything I can to encourage!  To shape! To question! To inspire! To lead! To guide!

Is it the word, MOM?

Though when I say it to myself I feel full, powerful, maternal, warm, and like I have a place in this world. But what comes out is burning weights of pressure.

If the kids don’t learn their manners, it’s my fault. If the kids still don’t have goals, or interests, I didn’t do something right. If the kids are horrible at time management, I must not have carved out time to teach them. If the kids are lazy, I screwed up.

I have just realized the terrible voices that run through my mind all. day. long. No wonder I’m exhausted. No wonder I have this anger hiding inside my body. No wonder I’m feeling small and yucky and not enough.

I was realizing all of this after my husband pretty much required me to go out to the garage to meditate and paint. Both of these are things that I love and center me, but usually when the kids are here, I have a difficult time doing them.

Anyway, after a good hour of Jackie time, I realized something else. Though it’s obvious I need to make ME wayyyyyyyyyyyy more important than I have been. In fact, I need to be the first one that gets attention. I also realized that I don’t need to say the word ‘MOM’ to myself. It’s fine whatever the kids see me as, but to me,… I can be just Jackie.

If I am just Jackie, then I get the FREEDOM to show up as me. NOT as someone that needs to teach them or guide them every minute. NOT every second should be a teaching moment anyway. What if we are just a couple of souls that are hanging out in this lifetime learning from each other?

What. Woa. This just took the pressure way off.

Now, I still see myself as a MOM, but what if I am more of a universal mother, NOT NECESSARILY THEIR MOM?

I walked back into the house, and noticed right away the change in the energy. I felt a desire to chat with them and laugh and it felt easy.

I was being Jackie.

I let go of the PRESSURE to do anything else. The kids and I hung out and watched Project Runway. Ah! It felt so much easier and smooth, and we were chatting and discussing the whole time. I felt myself being interested in their observations and enjoying myself the way I am with anyone else.

I know everyone has a way that works best for them, but this might actually be mine. I’m seeing that even if I had my own kid, the pressure to BE SOMEONE’S MOM, can be overwhelming. And yet, they are on their own journey just like we are. They are here for their own reasons, and maybe I’m only here to softly guide and continue along my path side by side. I don’t know, I haven’t worked all this out yet, but it definitely feels better, and I like just being Jackie.

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