Commitment

Dammit. It’s 5pm on a Monday and I am JUST SITTING DOWN TO WRITE A BLOG. ahsesorkajbaokenr!!!! Now that I finally understand what the word ‘commitment’ actually means, I’m doing my best to follow through.

And it sucks.

I mean it was much easier a couple months ago when I just moved through my life solely on my emotions. Oh I am sleepy, I don’t feel like doing what I said I would… or ‘oh I’m feeling overwhelmed, I guess it’s okay to cry in bed and do NOTHING ELSE.

But now (unfortunately) I have committed.

No one told me that WHEN I commit, I would actually have to do things sometimes that I don’t want to do. Huh.

Anyway, this is new territory for me.

I am used to letting myself down so it’s totally new that I have decided to follow through anyway.

I have committed.

Regardless of what time it is, or that my hubby is now home and wants to spend time with me. Or that I really want to curl up with my kittens and watch Manifest. I have committed to doing 3 blog posts, and that is what I will do.

There has been a series of crazy, tragic events over here lately, and I am recognizing more and more that no one can save us from ourselves.

Wow. I remember through the years as life wasn’t going the way I hoped/wished/thought it should, that I sorta expected something was just going to LAND on my lap to make everything better. Nothing ever did. And I still had a difficult time following through, finishing, and committing.

The reality is LIFE MOVES ON. Even if we have the coolest most vivid dreams in the world, NO ONE CAN SAVE US FROM FUCKING IT ALL UP.

And then I think back to all the many, many, many times that I thought it was my JOB to save other people. I saw friends/boyfriends/family as not ‘doing it right,’ and it became sorta my mission to help/explain/teach, even if they didn’t want it.

I’m so grateful to FINALLY FINALLY be getting it that:

  1. Everyone is on their own path. The best I can do it butt out and love them where they are.
  2. I’m on my path and anyone telling me how/what to do is an idiot and only basing their thoughts/expectations/point of view on THEIR life. That’s the only perspective we have anyway! HA! How hilarious is that?!
  3. I am the only person that can make my dreams come true and I am the ONLY person that can stop them from happening. It is ME, and ME only.

 

So there you go, life lessons from Jax.

I have committed! I truly believe that the more we COMMIT to something, the more we allow the universe space to bring gifts. Commitment gets the ball rolling, commitment is the key I was missing all along.

Okay have a great night! xo

 

Appreciate Again

I appreciate writing in the silence.

I appreciate that I trust I can move through my feelings.

I appreciate that I am resilient.

I appreciate that these noise cancelling headphones keep me wayyyyyyyyyyy more focused.

I appreciate that my hubby is always trying to support me any way he can. Even when I push him away.

I appreciate having a schedule.

I appreciate actually getting things done.

I appreciate trusting that the solutions will come, probably when I stop worrying about the problem.

I appreciate how bright blue the sky is.

I appreciate knowing I can pick my battles.

I appreciate these exciting, creative ideas.

I appreciate being out of the house.

I appreciate that feelings no longer cause shame.

I appreciate that it is okay for me to feel sad.

I appreciate that I can make the changes I want/need at any time.

I appreciate that I can see all these rows and rows of books.

I appreciate that our December looks like your May.

I appreciate that I have fuzzy kittens waiting for me at home.

I appreciate hot tea all day long.

I appreciate recognizing that maybe I feel shitty because I didn’t do my writing this morning. Maybe I can’t just skip something like that.

I appreciate having the fireplace on, once the temperature hits 68.

I appreciate remembering that I am powerful.

I appreciate noticing so many things I am grateful for.

I appreciate that I am creating!

Time to Play

As these cra cra holidays begin, I hope you’re giving yourself time to breathe, and time to play!

We can only be our best when we are taking care of ourselves to the BEST of our ability.

 

Allowing It to Just Freakin Be

It’s December 3rd, I can’t believe it. It seems like yesterday we were headed out on a family vacation in the middle of summer. This last quarter of the year is flying by so fast, isn’t it?

I know I am allowing life to move easier when I suddenly realize ‘oh! This is normally when I would have beat myself up!’

This is the place I would have looked around and realized that I have NOT been working out the way I need to, and I would have been so mad at myself.

This is the place I would have felt a thick blanket of misery with all the ‘should haves and ‘what’s wrong with me’s, ‘I’m so lazy,’ and all the ‘I’m not good enoughs.’

But I don’t feel that way at all.

Yes, I am soooooooooooooo craving working out more than I have been.

Also yes, I am ready to finally get back into creating my SCHEDULE and sticking to it.

But!

I recognize that sometimes LIFE IS STRESSFUL and full AND WE DO WHAT WE CAN.

That right there is huge for me.

We do what we can.

This month and a 1/2 has been more movement and more stress than the entire year combined. We were flying across the country to find a therapeutic boarding school for our son, days before our daughters Bat Mitzvah. This past week we were moving our son out of his wilderness camp and into his new school, 2 states away.

It’s okay I haven’t been going to the gym as much as I’d like.

It’s okay that my website still isn’t done.

It’s okay that the year is moving on.

I think sometimes I need to remember that the goals we set for ourselves sometimes get interrupted by life, and that is okay.

If I had made my goals my ONLY priority, here’s what I would have missed out on:

  1. Being present with finding B the best school for him.
  2. Being focused on creating the best event we could for our daughter.
  3. Being present at her event and feeling so proud of her, and so much love.
  4. Getting a chance to see B right after as he came down the mountain from LIVING in the wilderness for 3 1/2 month.
  5. Being present to hear everything he wanted to talk about.
  6. Laughing as a family.
  7. Getting extra sleep from all the traveling.
  8. Enjoying a moment at an Italian restaurant with my honey.
  9. Allowing myself to feel all of it after we dropped B off at his new school.

And so much more.

There is still time to do what I am here to do. There is still time for my goals and dreams. But I want to be present in LIFE, I want to participate in the events that won’t happen again ever. That is my priority.

 

Unorthodox Mandala

If you look up the definition of ‘mandala,’ you will see that it represents the search for ‘completeness’ and ‘self-unity’. Though I love these concepts, I am realizing in my life, that the search for that, or rather the experience of them is NEVER a perfect evolution, a perfect circle. There is a constant ebb and flow and one step forward and two steps back. I feel like it’s much more accurate to demonstrate our lifelong journey of learning and growth in a form that is a bit more organic. This is something I am in the process of creating, and I’m not sure if I should fill the page, or leave it as it is. I will add the final photo when I decide. I would like to do more of them!

FOCUS pocus

Hello everyone!

Wow…. can’t believe October is already beginning. Life is moving so quickly.

I have committed to finishing things I start, and handling all of the elements for my art business. I know I have complained a lot about some of these tasks, but… I am doing them!

I am feeling capable!

I am seeing myself transform and it is FROM ME!

So here is something I learned a week ago that is really really helping me. When there is a task that I am not excited to do, I can trick myself into getting way more done anyway. I set my timer for a short amount of time.  It can be 30 minutes, or 20 or even 5. Lez be honest, sometimes 30 minutes seems way too long. But the cool thing is I am getting these incredible moments of being hyper FOCUSED on what I want to work on. It’s amazing how much I can get accomplished in such a short period of time.

Does anyone out there also struggle with focus? I’d love to hear your tricks to getting things done.

Anyway, I’m really proud of myself and am loving feeling like I can do anything I focus on. Yessss!

Starting Over

Sheesh! It seems like every couple of months I realize that I am NOT moving through life the way I’d like, and I need to

START

OVER.

It’s one of those times right now.

It’s actually exciting though. Do you ever feel that way? I mean after feeling the disappointment and exhaustion and like you aren’t doing enough and like you’re NOT GOING ANYWHERE. After all that, there is this glimmer of excitement.

I get to start over.

Again and again. I don’t have to do things the way I’ve always done them!

I can CHOOSE another path.

I’ve realized through my life not just right now, that when things have gotten really hard, I have not only slowed down but stopped. I have a difficult time moving through the things I’m not comfortable with. I’m sure we are all that way to an extent, but in order for ANYTHING to happen the way we want, we need to be willing to do things that are HARD, UNCOMFORTABLE, SCARY.

So today, after years of whining and complaining about having to learn photoshop, I sat down, and fuckin learned some things I THOUGHT were going to be sooooo hard. And it’s 11am, and I’m feeling great. Hellooooooooooooo fear, I don’t need to listen to you. I don’t need to listen to the 16 year old part of me that expects everything to be easy or I don’t do it.

I am resilient, I am strong, I am brave. And I can totally kick ass. It’s my choice.

Wow! I am enjoying starting my week this way.

xo

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