Endless Loop?

Wow… It’s been OVER a month since I created a blog post. I can’t even believe it. I knew May was going to be full, and it was. I am just starting to get myself back on a schedule, an even better one, but I can’t believe  it’s been over a month. Sheesh!

Though I’m learning a lot  about myself every day, I’m aware that I don’t feel quite as confident as I would like. Even after all these years of growth and change, and new decisions, and speaking my truth, there are still voices that  show up in my head vicious and irritated.
Wishing that I was:
something different,
something more,
better,
faster,
more involved,
less involved,
more confident,
more of a fighter,
more social,
better in groups,
enough.
That still happens, and I can see my pattern. I can see where the blame and shame shows up, where I feel disgusted at myself, and where I feel like I would be enough if I just pushed a little harder.

I recently had a discussion about this sort of thing with my sister in law. And the question is; what if I don’t need to PUSH harder? Why do I always assume that if something is happening that I don’t like, that it’s my JOB to WORK HARDER to get where I want to go, or get a relationship to where I want it to be?

I don’t know.

I guess that was the way I was raised, right? That our job is to spin our wheels pushing fighting, pounding until we FIX it. Until we beat it to death, whatever it is. It’s so funny writing that out, because it’s not at all how I live my life, and not at all how I would want my kids to feel. And yet, there it is. The feeling that I am not enough and that I MUST exhaust every morsel of my being, and even then there is probably something wrong with me.

What if life gets to be easier than that? More at ease? Even though I resonate far more with ease, there is still a part of me that feels I need to push, jab, fight to move forward.

Maybe this is just a rambling post of me feeling lost and searching once again for a glimmer of my personal power. How no matter how much work we may do on ourselves, the mean self talk can still show up. And something I’m not even AWARE that the voice has stepped into my head.

I just start believing it.

My husband just told me earlier today that he loves every part of me. It  made me so sad, that we can so easily offer that to people we love,  but it is so hard to do for ourselves. Every part of ME? I mean, I accept more parts than I used to. I am grateful for more than I used to be. But there is still a lot of judgement voices. EVERY part of me? How wonderful that would be to just know who I am and accept and love myself fully. Is that even possible? Or is it an endless loop of feeling like we get close and then finding another issue/quirk/problem/mistake/flaw that we need to lean in to offering love to? Are we doing this when we are 90 no matter what? Or is there a way to get to the point of loving all of it?

I have to remember that even though I feel immersed in emotions and negative self talk, that doesn’t mean I am not growing and learning and moving forward. It doesn’t mean I am backpedaling or stuck, or incapable or wrong. It means maybe that there is another level that I can work through to be a better version of me.

Under all the Art

First of all, I am so so so so so appreciative that I get to create. That I have SPACE in my life to create. I am so appreciative that making art fills me up in such an incredible way. It’s like this warm hug, right from the universe. I feel empowered and connected and powerful and it’s all from the act of sitting down with my paintbrush. Just opening a can of my favorite paint melts my heart and sometimes I can’t stop myself from bursting into tears.

This is the best parts of being an artist for me.

This is the part where no matter what my life looks like, I can say with everything I am that I am so so so grateful I have something that fills me with this much passion and joy. I am truly grateful.

With every ounce of my being it’s not about what other people think AT ALL. AT ALL. For me it is so personal, and it is entirely the process, the in-the-moment creating that makes me feel so full.

That leads me to a slight issue.

I said I want to BE AN ARTIST. Be the artist I know I am.

What does that mean exactly?

Well, if I had my way I would be painting and painting and painting for hours on end with sore fingers and an open heart. I would be immersed in doodles and sketches and shrieking and giggling and crying as I create, all day everyday. All the time. But I said I’d like to also make money as an artist. It’s funny, saying the word ‘money’ along with art physically twists my stomach into knots. I don’t really care if people want to buy my stuff or not, I don’t.

I create solely for myself.

That being said, I also know without a doubt that we are given gifts and abilities to SHARE.

As you can see, I’m sorta stuck here. Stuck between what is comfortable and replenishing and what I know in my heart we as humans are here for.

So what do I do? 

 

I do know that I have always wanted to make a difference in peoples lives, and now is no different. I love community service, and random acts of kindness, and smiling at strangers, etc. etc. etc. If this really is the case, would I really want to hide away day after day creating and bursting and feeling and playing and making all in secret?

That’s not me living my truest self. 

If SHARING who I am means SHARING my art, how can I do that authentically?
Without feeling like a jackass?

All marketing is a painful, repulsive venture for me. I literally have to force myself to post on Instagram or Facebook, or even show my work here.

Wow. Okay. So I am noticing as I write that I have a LOT of emotions, way more than I thought, and it’s making me I want to shut down and cry and make art.

I realize that if the idea of showing my work is making me this upset, I must have a lot of fear underneath. 

Maybe it’s fear that I’m not good enough.

Maybe it’s fear that I won’t make money.

Maybe it’s fear that I WILL be seen as someone that needs to be acknowledged for her art.

Maybe it’s fear that someone will actually LIKE my work.

I’m not sure, but because of all these extreme reactions, I’m going to investigate. Ah! I love discovering more things about myself to release.

I guess this just means I need to share, I need to post, I need to expose myself anyway.

I don’t need to BE COMFORTABLE.

I can jump even if it’s terrifying and feels gross. In the end I will grow and that is what matters to me.

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