Creating a Life I love Through Art
It’s so refreshing to see this. Ahhhh All the times I would finish an art piece, or a creative idea, assuming it would ‘be good,’ only to find that it wasn’t. I felt like a failure once again. From now on I am going to do what Kadavy suggests, ‘Just keep making things.’ Some will be good and many, many will be not so good. It’s the starting and finishing that matters. That is what makes US BETTER.
Everyone has stress in their lives, no matter who they are. Some stress can be helpful buzzy excited stress that keeps us moving from appointment to experience to family to growth. But lately I’ve had the kind of stress that is unfortunately thick anxiety. It’s like a heavy cloud of nerves rumbling and shaking over my head, in between my shoulder blades, around my fingers. It’s been swirling around my eyes and filled my head with jitters and sheer exhaustion. This has been so so so stressful.
What is the line between helpful stress and horrible anxiety?
I know everyone gets stressed. I know LIFE can be stressful no matter what is going on. But what I am in the process of figuring out is HOW I can show up, be present, feel the fear, and then allow myself to let it go so I can FUNCTION like a human.
How do other people do it?
I mean I meditate.
I breathe deeply.
I take walks.
But lately this anxiety has surpassed all of that.
I’ve been remembering that I am in charge of my thoughts. I don’t NEED to be a victim to the chatter in my brain. Who says it’s the truth? Who says I need to listen to it. I guess that’s the helpful part of doing this writing. I have the opportunity to pour it out instead of letting it scald my insides.
I think if I look inside the anxiety, it’s not just the shell of ‘stress’ that is causing me to feel this way. Inside at the core, is shame. It’s this dread that maybe I’m not enough, not capable, not worthy. That something inside isn’t quite right.
It’s funny, LOGICALLY I know that none of that is true, I really do. I know that I am moving in the right direction, I know I am here for many reasons, I know I am enough. So is it just the human condition that we question those things? Are these deep rooted fears that ALL humans have? Are they old childhood fears that just poke their head up every now and then? I don’t know, but it’s so fascinating.
What I do know is that the concept of SHAME isn’t felt with just me. I know I am not alone with it. But is it a societal experience? Or from our families? It’s like, just because things aren’t going super smooth or maybe our bodies aren’t doing exactly what we would want, why do we have SHAME around it? Why do we feel oh no what is WRONG with me?
I must be:
Different
Bad
Wrong
In reality we ALL have stuff to work on, work through, work around. All of us. And I know that. I know I’m not the only one.
This is really helpful to write through. Remembering that we are all on this journey together and no matter what it is, we do experience similar feelings of stress, isolation, loneliness, sadness, exhaustion, shame.
We are far more alike than different.
I think if I remember that, if I sit in that, the shame starts to diminish and the stress feels like it’s lessening.
I can take more walks, I can allow space for meditation and writing and be EASIER with myself. I can do that.
I am doing the best I can. My body deserves ease. I can live my life with more ease and trust.
What are ways that you ease anxiety?
Sheesh! It seems like every couple of months I realize that I am NOT moving through life the way I’d like, and I need to
START
OVER.
It’s one of those times right now.
It’s actually exciting though. Do you ever feel that way? I mean after feeling the disappointment and exhaustion and like you aren’t doing enough and like you’re NOT GOING ANYWHERE. After all that, there is this glimmer of excitement.
I get to start over.
Again and again. I don’t have to do things the way I’ve always done them!
I can CHOOSE another path.
I’ve realized through my life not just right now, that when things have gotten really hard, I have not only slowed down but stopped. I have a difficult time moving through the things I’m not comfortable with. I’m sure we are all that way to an extent, but in order for ANYTHING to happen the way we want, we need to be willing to do things that are HARD, UNCOMFORTABLE, SCARY.
So today, after years of whining and complaining about having to learn photoshop, I sat down, and fuckin learned some things I THOUGHT were going to be sooooo hard. And it’s 11am, and I’m feeling great. Hellooooooooooooo fear, I don’t need to listen to you. I don’t need to listen to the 16 year old part of me that expects everything to be easy or I don’t do it.
I am resilient, I am strong, I am brave. And I can totally kick ass. It’s my choice.
Wow! I am enjoying starting my week this way.
xo
Wow. My head is literally bursting with so many ideas of new things I want to create and try and experiment with, and FEEL! I am jotting down notes and sketches constantly but am having trouble keeping up!
Though I am consistently inspired by life and everything in it, I sometimes forget that what I create naturally, without even thinking, IS my true nature, and IT. IS. ENOUGH. I AM ENOUGH.
It seems like the human condition is the fear that we aren’t enough exactly as who we are. This inner belief that life SHOULD be a struggle, life SHOULD be hard, and if it’s not, well, then… we are just LAZY.
This is how I have felt about art (among everything else in my life). If I wasn’t IN PAIN while working, and so confused and anguished about the project, I would discount it. That’s why a lot of my work wasn’t ‘my work,’ it was stupid little mindless doodles that I couldn’t stop. I convinced myself to feel ashamed that I NEEDED to draw, to create. And that because I feel relaxed and full of joy when the pen takes over and my head stops thinking, that must mean… I AM LAZY and my creations are a waste of time.
So I am starting out this year, aware of my past beliefs related to struggle and ease. I’m going to allow myself to be in utter bliss creating what naturally comes from me, where I don’t think at all about the outcome. I am going to do it without judgement. Maybe this is art as well…. Me being me, just like it is for you to be fully and truthfully and unswayingly YOU.
First of all, I am so so so so so appreciative that I get to create. That I have SPACE in my life to create. I am so appreciative that making art fills me up in such an incredible way. It’s like this warm hug, right from the universe. I feel empowered and connected and powerful and it’s all from the act of sitting down with my paintbrush. Just opening a can of my favorite paint melts my heart and sometimes I can’t stop myself from bursting into tears.
This is the best parts of being an artist for me.
This is the part where no matter what my life looks like, I can say with everything I am that I am so so so grateful I have something that fills me with this much passion and joy. I am truly grateful.
With every ounce of my being it’s not about what other people think AT ALL. AT ALL. For me it is so personal, and it is entirely the process, the in-the-moment creating that makes me feel so full.
That leads me to a slight issue.
I said I want to BE AN ARTIST. Be the artist I know I am.
What does that mean exactly?
Well, if I had my way I would be painting and painting and painting for hours on end with sore fingers and an open heart. I would be immersed in doodles and sketches and shrieking and giggling and crying as I create, all day everyday. All the time. But I said I’d like to also make money as an artist. It’s funny, saying the word ‘money’ along with art physically twists my stomach into knots. I don’t really care if people want to buy my stuff or not, I don’t.
I create solely for myself.
That being said, I also know without a doubt that we are given gifts and abilities to SHARE.
As you can see, I’m sorta stuck here. Stuck between what is comfortable and replenishing and what I know in my heart we as humans are here for.
So what do I do?
I do know that I have always wanted to make a difference in peoples lives, and now is no different. I love community service, and random acts of kindness, and smiling at strangers, etc. etc. etc. If this really is the case, would I really want to hide away day after day creating and bursting and feeling and playing and making all in secret?
That’s not me living my truest self.
If SHARING who I am means SHARING my art, how can I do that authentically?
Without feeling like a jackass?
All marketing is a painful, repulsive venture for me. I literally have to force myself to post on Instagram or Facebook, or even show my work here.
Wow. Okay. So I am noticing as I write that I have a LOT of emotions, way more than I thought, and it’s making me I want to shut down and cry and make art.
I realize that if the idea of showing my work is making me this upset, I must have a lot of fear underneath.
Maybe it’s fear that I’m not good enough.
Maybe it’s fear that I won’t make money.
Maybe it’s fear that I WILL be seen as someone that needs to be acknowledged for her art.
Maybe it’s fear that someone will actually LIKE my work.
I’m not sure, but because of all these extreme reactions, I’m going to investigate. Ah! I love discovering more things about myself to release.
I guess this just means I need to share, I need to post, I need to expose myself anyway.
I don’t need to BE COMFORTABLE.
I can jump even if it’s terrifying and feels gross. In the end I will grow and that is what matters to me.
My attempt to write in this blog every single day hasn’t quite been working out. ahahhah But I think the minute that I get hard on myself, I need to remember that I haven’t quite taken all the other things on my list into consideration. And! On top of that, I can adjust my goals at anytime. If they aren’t reachable at this exact moment, that’s okay, lets tweak them.
Something really exciting happened over the last couple of weeks. I know a woman that founded a private school. I don’t know her well, but she came to my first Creative Women workshop and I connected with her a little bit. She told me that she’s got a gaga pit at the school that the kids love, and she’d like to HAVE IT PAINTED.
Whhhhhhhhat.
Normally I would have listened to that sadly familiar, mean little voice inside that said things like, “You’re not good enough for this project…’ or ‘You never finish things, how could you possibly commit to this,…’ or ‘You’ve never done anything this big, there’s no way you can do it well.’
But I decided not to.
It’s not that I didn’t HEAR the voice, I most certainly did. But I didn’t hear it as the truth, I heard it for what it was.
It was fear.
It was the voice of a frightened little Jackie trying her best to protect me. That’s how my fear generally looks to me, when I really give it a chance to be seen.
Why is our fear there anyway? Is it always to protect us? For me I would say usually, yes. It knows situations I’ve been in over the years that were risky and she’s gunna show up again and again to warn me to STAY SAFE.
Now if I remember that that is all she’s doing, I can be loving towards the voice. I can listen for a minute, and really feel her inside of me. The angst, the anxiety, the fear,.. but then it’s up to me what I do next. Lately I’ve been sending her love and thanking her for protecting me, but that I’m not going to let her call the shots. And then I go out and take a risk.
Back to the story. Normally I would have put off calling this person to discuss the gaga pit because the voices would have been too loud telling me not too. Reminding me I’m not the person she wants. But this time I called her right away and arranged a date to meet. After I saw the project I knew it was for me. It was so wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy out of my comfort zone and yet there was this funny little glimmer of joy that kept creeping up.
What if I’m ready?
The gaga pit is an 8 sided octagon that is 15 feet across. It’s used for a game where an entire class can fit inside the walls of the pit. Each side (panel) is about 4 feet x 3 1/2 feet. Now I have never painted on something so large in my life, but I wanna try. I believe I can.
The funniest part of this is that I would do this for FREE. No matter how many hours I may spend sitting on a little stool tediously painting each panel, I would do it for nothing. Ha! In fact I’m honored that someone is allowing me to ‘play’ with the pit. ahahha It doesn’t seem fair for someone to pay me for doing something that I will just devour with joy.
Anyway! This is the next project! Can you believe it? I can’t wait to get started, and even though I have moments of fear still seeping in from time to time, I am trusting that I. Can. Do. This. And then I will. 🙂
Sunshine and Cerulean 