Creating a Life I love Through Art
That anytime in life,
may it be in a conversation, during yoga, while making art, sleeping, etc. if I am PUSHING/FORCING/GRINDING/SHOVING at all, I am not allowing the Universe to move through me.
Life can be filled with ease and delight in every moment.
Sometimes I need to remember this as I live.
Anything I choose to do,
be,
say,
experience, can be done with an open ease to allow the truth that I may not even know exists yet, come forth.
Here is something I am playing with in my art journal. I don’t know why I am so into these curvy lines lately. But they feel good to make, so I’m just going to go with it.
It reminds me of the ebb and flow of the waves. Of life. Of emotions. No matter where we are, it’ll always move. Ahhh
Sorry for the exposure of the photo. I took it with my phone, and didn’t want to bother with photoshop. Eek. So it looks a bit washed out. ;/
Over the past year I’ve written plenty of posts about stepmomming and not knowing my role, blah blah blah. I know, it’s a super uncreative heavy topic. But it’s been a huge part of my life for a long time. Every time I’ve started to feel like I’m IN CONTROL finally of the situation, something else happens and I feel back where I started.
There’s been the whole feeling that:
Ugh. Can I just say a big fat UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH right now? None of these top 3 things feel good at all to me. In fact they make me feel pretty shitty about myself and my situation.
Believe it or not, I WANT to be in a place of joy and ease.
I love them, and the more that I run around teaching, I am realizing that the absolute most important thing I can do is help them to know/feel that they are loved just as they are.
It won’t matter if I mention to them over and over again to eat vegetables, or to have compassion for others, or to remind them to be polite, or ways they can make friends. What will they really remember by the time they are adults?? The reality is, they will learn what they need to learn REGARDLESS of me constantly making
EVERY MOMENT A FREAKIN’ TEACHING MOMENT.
As I write that I’m realizing how crappy that sounds. Double ugh.
So… new plan.
I will love them.
My intention now, is to love them fully as they are. Which means:
I will ask questions genuinely and listen and remember.
I will play with them.
I will notice parts of them that I admire.
I will tell them what I love about them.
I will ask them to help out, because I need the help. Not because I feel I need to teach them to help.
I will be present in the moment with them and have fun.
I will show up for them, because I want to, not because their mother may not.
I will still be clear about boundaries in our house.
I will laugh with them. Not to teach them to laugh, but because I like to laugh.
I’ve been in this better place for the past couple weeks. Meeting them where they are, and not feeling so much yucky pressure to FIX THINGS. It definitely takes practice. I can feel my stomach tying in knots still when I see or hear something I don’t love. But I’m getting better at saying to myself ‘It’s fine Jackie, just love her.’ And then my voice is full of love and my eyes are full of love. And then I feel good. I want them to know without a doubt how much they are loved for just being them.
Wow. My head is literally bursting with so many ideas of new things I want to create and try and experiment with, and FEEL! I am jotting down notes and sketches constantly but am having trouble keeping up!
Though I am consistently inspired by life and everything in it, I sometimes forget that what I create naturally, without even thinking, IS my true nature, and IT. IS. ENOUGH. I AM ENOUGH.
It seems like the human condition is the fear that we aren’t enough exactly as who we are. This inner belief that life SHOULD be a struggle, life SHOULD be hard, and if it’s not, well, then… we are just LAZY.
This is how I have felt about art (among everything else in my life). If I wasn’t IN PAIN while working, and so confused and anguished about the project, I would discount it. That’s why a lot of my work wasn’t ‘my work,’ it was stupid little mindless doodles that I couldn’t stop. I convinced myself to feel ashamed that I NEEDED to draw, to create. And that because I feel relaxed and full of joy when the pen takes over and my head stops thinking, that must mean… I AM LAZY and my creations are a waste of time.
So I am starting out this year, aware of my past beliefs related to struggle and ease. I’m going to allow myself to be in utter bliss creating what naturally comes from me, where I don’t think at all about the outcome. I am going to do it without judgement. Maybe this is art as well…. Me being me, just like it is for you to be fully and truthfully and unswayingly YOU.
Sunshine and Cerulean 