Sometimes it’s like crawling into a dark cave that I’ve found. I have my backpack and flashlight, and I’m totally by myself. I am elated! My heart pumping, my hands a little shaky, my body is buzzing with electricity. I can literally taste this journey! Ahhh!!
After awhile of joyfully exploring, my flashlight suddenly goes out and I am alone in the dark. The darkness is unexpected. I don’t know why it always is, but it is. At first, it’s fine. My heart skips a beat, but then I calm. I am sure it was just a small mishap.
But the light doesn’t go back on, and panic consumes me. Instead of allowing it to bleed through me, I fight it. I bang my flashlight against the wall, I jump up and down screaming for help. But nothing happens. I am alone.
After a bit, I start to walk forward with no light. The excitement of a new creation, of discovering a hidden world has been put on hold, because it’s all about survival now. I can’t see one foot in front of me, so every step is a moment of trust.
I survived. I am still here, but I’m growing tired. I long for a piece of clarity, a tiny aha moment, maybe an ounce of belief. As I rub my eyes, a dim light slowly begins simmering through the flashlight.
I can see! I can see! Even if it’s vague and diluted, it’s there!
My heart starts beating faster and faster as I fill with relief and then joy and finally passion. This unbelievable passion. I galloping in the darkened cave.
“I can do anything,” I whisper as tears sting my eyes.
It’s like everything in the world is making sense. I can do this! I feel my mind sharpening and my body is electric. Everything is right, everything is beautiful. The cave walls seem to shine with iridescent colors, beckoning me to continue.
But suddenly the light goes out again.
What? This can’t be! I knew where I was going! What happened?
“Okay Jackie you can do this, you did it before.” I say out loud. And then I wait, expecting the light to go on. But it doesn’t.
So I trudge forward once again, deep in the blackness, holding the walls to keep myself from falling.
Now this is the part where I used to sit down in the cave waiting for death, or if I wasn’t too far in, I’d turn around and go back home.
This is again where it is scary and uncomfortable.
But I’m not leaving this time.
When I close my eyes, for a split second, I saw the end of the tunnel! I swear it was there, lit up with warmth. I need to keep moving forward until I see it for real.
The light will go on again to guide me, right?
If so, when?
Regardless,… I will keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. Focusing on the image in my head, stamped on my heart. I can follow that.
I can trust what I see inside.