Get Lost

After all these years of feeling inadequate because I didn’t follow a concrete PLAN, I am finally relishing my wild spirit that enjoys getting lost.

Maybe not knowing the next step is okay.

Maybe allowing myself to burst with excitement about something obscure and unique is wonderful.

Maybe the dark alleyways and strange curiosities that I noticed and didn’t ignore, but instead:
choose to check out,
look into,
spy on,
research,
investigate,
and experience
helped me choose to finally enjoy the rebellious, inquisitive, marvelous mind of wonder that. I. have.

 

 

Beautiful

I would love my bonus daughter to feel good in her own skin. To enjoy who she is as a human, and know that she is enough.

But I also know that she is 13, and just at the BEGINNING of weirdness and possibly a push/pull relationship with her body.

So how can I help? What can I do to make it better or guide her to see her beautiful spirit and not just the fact that she doesn’t fit the societal MOLD of what is considered beautiful?

I know I need to talk to her more about it than I have been.

But there are a lot of different thoughts running through my mind. I don’t know if SHOWERING her with compliments is the way for her to see her true power.

  • I was given a lot of compliments on my looks as a kid, and I didn’t believe any of them.
  • I felt ugly even though I was told I was beautiful.
  • Feeling truly beautiful is when we don’t need to be TOLD them from other people, we just feel our own power. So telling her a lot isn’t necessarily going to convince her.
  • I know I had a very different experience related to beauty growing up than she is. And yet I didn’t feel good about myself at all. I’d like to share more with her, and maybe remind her that one day, as she’s living more her truth, she will see her pure beauty.
  • I like the idea of using the compliment of ‘beautiful’ related to being kind and loving, like I read someone blogging. That it doesn’t need to only represent outer appearance.
  • Maybe I can remind her that as I have gotten older, the times when I actually FEEL beautiful are when I just stood up for myself, or when I am doing something where I am so present and immersed in it, I lose myself. I feel solid and enough and beautiful.
  • Maybe I can also tell her that just having people think you are ‘pretty’ isn’t that helpful if you don’t believe them.
  • People will always have different opinions about beauty anyway. If we are swayed back and forth if someone sees it and the next person doesn’t, we won’t feel beautiful. Beauty starts deep inside US.
  • I can also remind her that the times when I feel ugly are when I don’t speak up for myself, when I swallow my feelings and when I am trying to be different than I am.
  • Some of the most beautiful people I know do not fit societies standards of beautiful. In fact, 99.9% of people don’t fit those standards, and we can find beauty in everyone.
  • Remind her that there have been so many times that I would see someone and be swept up in their beauty and then created a story in my head about how their life must be so much better than mine, etc. And how loved they must be, etc. Once I got to know them I realized that they were going through similar things as me. There life wasn’t any better because I thought they were pretty.

Those of you that have girls, what is your experience?

I can see that not telling someone they are beautiful because of the fear that they will think that is all they are, may not be the best decision either. Maybe there is a happy medium where they are told they are beautiful but they are also told their are brave and kind and loving and strong.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts!!

xo

 

Endless Loop?

Wow… It’s been OVER a month since I created a blog post. I can’t even believe it. I knew May was going to be full, and it was. I am just starting to get myself back on a schedule, an even better one, but I can’t believe  it’s been over a month. Sheesh!

Though I’m learning a lot  about myself every day, I’m aware that I don’t feel quite as confident as I would like. Even after all these years of growth and change, and new decisions, and speaking my truth, there are still voices that  show up in my head vicious and irritated.
Wishing that I was:
something different,
something more,
better,
faster,
more involved,
less involved,
more confident,
more of a fighter,
more social,
better in groups,
enough.
That still happens, and I can see my pattern. I can see where the blame and shame shows up, where I feel disgusted at myself, and where I feel like I would be enough if I just pushed a little harder.

I recently had a discussion about this sort of thing with my sister in law. And the question is; what if I don’t need to PUSH harder? Why do I always assume that if something is happening that I don’t like, that it’s my JOB to WORK HARDER to get where I want to go, or get a relationship to where I want it to be?

I don’t know.

I guess that was the way I was raised, right? That our job is to spin our wheels pushing fighting, pounding until we FIX it. Until we beat it to death, whatever it is. It’s so funny writing that out, because it’s not at all how I live my life, and not at all how I would want my kids to feel. And yet, there it is. The feeling that I am not enough and that I MUST exhaust every morsel of my being, and even then there is probably something wrong with me.

What if life gets to be easier than that? More at ease? Even though I resonate far more with ease, there is still a part of me that feels I need to push, jab, fight to move forward.

Maybe this is just a rambling post of me feeling lost and searching once again for a glimmer of my personal power. How no matter how much work we may do on ourselves, the mean self talk can still show up. And something I’m not even AWARE that the voice has stepped into my head.

I just start believing it.

My husband just told me earlier today that he loves every part of me. It  made me so sad, that we can so easily offer that to people we love,  but it is so hard to do for ourselves. Every part of ME? I mean, I accept more parts than I used to. I am grateful for more than I used to be. But there is still a lot of judgement voices. EVERY part of me? How wonderful that would be to just know who I am and accept and love myself fully. Is that even possible? Or is it an endless loop of feeling like we get close and then finding another issue/quirk/problem/mistake/flaw that we need to lean in to offering love to? Are we doing this when we are 90 no matter what? Or is there a way to get to the point of loving all of it?

I have to remember that even though I feel immersed in emotions and negative self talk, that doesn’t mean I am not growing and learning and moving forward. It doesn’t mean I am backpedaling or stuck, or incapable or wrong. It means maybe that there is another level that I can work through to be a better version of me.

Brene Brown


Okay so I love Brene, and I love her messages of Bravery and vulnerability and taking risks. We sat down with our 13 year old daughter to watch her Netflix video. Ah! You need to see it if you haven’t yet. It was cool because afterward K said that she thought Brene would be a cool person to meet. She said she seems really genuine and authentic. Even if what was spoken about doesn’t stick, at least she’s exposed to it, and will continue to be at our house. Yes! Proud bonus mom moment number 1000. 😉

Here is the preview of the movie if you haven’t yet seen it. Sooooo inspiring.

 

 

Shattered Reality

Yes it’s been a long time since I’ve written. Our son was visiting last week from his school in Boise, and I didn’t get a chance to do my blogging.

I’m writing from deep inside a fog right now.

Every morning that my hubby and I are at the gym, the news is blaring in front of us with terrible stories of fear and hatred and pain. I’ve always disliked being bombarded with such heaviness, especially in the morning, especially before I even really start my day. Unfortunately this morning, our community was on the news, unraveling, peeling, unearthing from the horrendous synagogue shooting on Saturday morning.

I think all of us are still in shock, with slivers of disbelief and moments of deep cutting pain.

This is something that happens in other places.

This is something that happens with other people.

Not here.

Not a mile from our house.

Fortunately our kids and my hubby’s family attend a different synagogue slightly further away. But this hits home so much more than we could have ever imagined.

Last night we attended the vigil and heard first hand the story retold by the Rabbi. There are so many excruciating details about the story and it’s easy to get overwhelmed with them. To constantly picture the horrible scene again and again, feeling myself being sucked into the story as if I were there.

The part that stands out for me the most through all the tragic details is the support, the love, the compassion, the bravery that we felt as we showed up to that vigil. It didn’t matter who was Jewish or not. There were people from all religions, ethnicities, backgrounds united in an event that has sent ripples of fear to everyone in the community.

I guess even as I write all this out, and feel the heaviness in my heart, there are gifts I am choosing to see.

  1. Life is fleeting. We don’t know what is going to happen today or tomorrow. Maybe the time to make amends is now. Maybe the time to be present, and love and be authentic is now. Maybe now is all we have. 
  2. In the face of tragedy, love shines through. People come together no matter how awful the reason. I am reminded that even though we get distracted, the reality is that we want to show up for others. We have empathy, and we want to feel connected. There is a lot more good than we realize.
  3. Bravery. I am baffled by the immense amount of bravery in not only this story but most of the hate crime tragedies. There are people taking extremely heroic risks. Could I be that brave? Am I brave? These acts are redefining what lengths we will go to to keep others safe. Although people may argue that humans are inherently selfish, surprisingly enough in the face of terror many are willing to react with bravery instinctually. I hope I could be the same. 

 

Just like I told my hubby, and I need to remind myself. It’s okay to be wherever I am right now. This was a tragedy, this was terrifying, and it did hit home. The best thing I can do is feel it as much as I need to, and allow myself to deepen in all areas from it.

Sending you all lots of love.

Jax

What I am Creating

  • A knowing so vast that I am filled with appreciation every morning I wake up.
  • The ability to keep noticing the small, beautiful, usually overlooked parts of life that bring me automatic joy. Like being able to save a snail from the road, watching the trees sway in the wind, hearing laughter, feeling the pen move across the paper, etc.
  • Boundless energy and focus for the things that bring me joy. Knowing that I am here to do exactly what makes me feel so alive.
  • Trust that whatever it is I am desiring to create first starts with my emotions, with my belief.
  • Allowing myself to feel whatever is coming up, but then the ability to easily move back into feeling capable, magical, solid, loved, and magnetic.
  • Make eye contact more often.
  • Send silent prayers more often to people I pass by. ‘May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live in ease.’
  • When I see someone I feel less than around, I will remember that we are not that different. They have known heartache, they have felt less then, they know pain, they know sadness. I can send them love.
  • When I’m annoyed by someone, I will more often picture them as a young child, send them love, and remember they are doing the best they can with what they know.
  • When I forget and use unkind words towards myself, I will picture myself as little Jackie, and apologize. I am also doing the best I can with what I know.
  • More often throughout the day I will ask my soul what it needs, and appreciate the insight I am receiving.
  • Love deeper and fuller

Parenting Manifesto

Oh my gosh have you guys seen this? Maybe I am late to the game, but I just stumbled on this a couple weeks back. New plan! I’m going to print this (or write it up myself) for the house. What a wonderful way to live and parent. Ahhhh! I love love love it, and every time I read it, it makes me cry. I’d love to hear your thoughts… .xo Jax

parentingmanifesto

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