Curiousssssssssssssss

Today is my official ‘Remain Curious’ day.
For New Years 4 months ago, my official word for the year was ‘Curious.’ I had dedicated it to just. being. curious. It’s okay to get excited about NEW ADVENTURES and EXCITING CHANGE and become PASSIONATE and ALIVE! But! It doesn’t need to be the end all. I can just be curious, check it out. Leaving the f**kin pressure behind!

It’s easy for me to get a little off track as the months roll by, so this morning I’m bringing myself back.
Instead of stressing out and feeling shame and blame and lots of have to’s, I’m going to remain curious,… with everything.
What is it I’m feeling?
Could I try out that new idea and see where it leads? It’s okay if it doesn’t work, but it might be fun!
What do I need?
What is my heart saying?
There is no have to, there is no SHOULD. I’m just allowing curiosity to move through my body. And it feels like such an easier way to live! Ha! I’ve made my life way harder than it needed to be. 

And so, to all of you out there,.. I’m sending you all lots of love and hoping that you too are discovering little life hacks of your own, that make your life MORE FUN, MORE RELAXING, MORE DELIGHTFUL in every way.

xo

Woa I’m back

Oh my gosh I can’t believe it’s been 11 days since I’ve written! Sooo crazy.

In the past, I would have gotten really angry at myself for not sticking to what I PROMISED I WOULD,.. but now it’s a different story. It’s more like, uh okay, it’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog, that’s okay. I’ve been doing other things that have been equally important. I can get right back into it!

Sometimes life is a bit crazy and unexpected, and I’m learning how to go with the flow and not judge myself the way I used to. I want my life to be full of experiences and adventures, and in order for that to happen, I have to be open to the unexpected!

About a week and a 1/2 ago, my siblings and I, and my hubby and step kids all came down to Utah to surprise my mother for her 60th birthday. She had thought we were all just too busy to be with her! Ahhh!! It was soooooooooooooooo hard to keep it a secret. In fact, I so wanted to write about it on here, but there was a CHANCE that she’d read it. Ha! That would have been bad.

Anyway, we all arrived at the school my mother teaches at around 1pm. Oh my gosh all of us were so excited, we could barely hold still. My stomach was jumping all over the place. Ahhahaseriasdfvcni!!!!!!!

We managed to find someone in the office to video tape her. I am really glad we did. My brother suggested it, and it turned out to be the best idea ever. Usually I get too excited for stuff like this and just go for it, forgetting to have it recorded.

Anyway, the weather was FREEZING. It was seriously SNOWING the last week of April, so we were all huddled together in the car before walking to her portable classroom for the surprise. hahah So funny and unexpected.

The entire weekend turned out to be amazing. My mother was so surprised to see all of us, and absolutely shocked to see Tyson, my brother who flew all the way over from Germany. We gave her 30 minutes to pack and then took her to Park City for an overnight trip.

I think one of the reasons that the weekend was so awesome, was the fact that my hubby and I decided that we didn’t need it to LOOK LIKE ANYTHING. In the past, I would have gotten so wrapped up in what I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE, that I would have been stressed out making sure it was perfect. Wow. It was so much easier to be IN THE MOMENT knowing that it was going to move whatever way it needed to. We were all engaged, and we went with the flow.

Another reason I think it was so good, was because we worked out our intentions for the trip. It’s so easy to get caught up in the details of a vacation, or a birthday, or a surprise, that we can forget WHY we are even doing it. So I made sure that the whole time we were together, I was remembering my intention for being there in the first place.

To celebrate my mother.

Whatever that meant in the moment, was what I wanted to do.

For me, having the intention broad enough was helpful so I didn’t feel limited. I wasn’t needing anyone to FEEL anything. I didn’t need to ACCOMPLISH anything. I was just going to be in a place of love and celebration, and hopefully that would be easily felt. We all ended up having fun and feeling so much joy! It was seriously one of the best memories of all of us together.

This reminded me that I can do this sort of thing more often! I can set my intentions, and then practice being in the moment, allowing life to unravel the way it needs to. I felt more myself, and felt like there was space for me to just BE ME!

Ahhhh! So happy to be back on the blog!

xo

Feel This

Hello everyone! I hope you’re all having a wonderful Thursday morning!

Right when I think ‘Sheesh! The universe has been giving me so many lessons lately, I’m sure there will be a nice break,..another one pops up. Ha!’ I hope I always feel that way about my life.

I can CRY easily and often so I’ve always known that I’m just really expressive with my emotions. I’m this wet well of feelings and I’ve learned to accept it. However, I’m seeing now that there maybe more to the story.  I’ve recently started to get some coaching on personal stuff and I’ve come to find out that just because I CRY it doesn’t mean I’ve cleared the emotional experience out of me. Whhhhhhhhhhhat.

So. My assignment for the next couple of weeks is to do this feeling meditation to release past feelings that did not get fully felt. It’s actually pretty scary. Surprisingly there are so many experiences that I’ve dreaded looking back into. So I’m grateful that I’ve been able to muster up enough courage to do this. Something that helps is when I remind myself that FEELINGS CAN’T HURT US, they are meant to be felt. They can only hurt us if we don’t feel them. Hm.

Because I’m in the feelings mode, I’ve decided to take it a step further and become aware of when I’m avoiding feelings in my everyday life. It looks like nothing on the outside:  ‘Oh shoot, I feel annoyed, so I’m going to go paint. Or. ‘ Yikes I feel angry,  I need to go to the gym and forget.’ I usually do healthy things, but they are still a way of attempting to alleviate the pain of FEELING, instead of just embracing the feeling and letting it go.

And then I had the craziest realization.

I even do it with JOY! There are times when I have avoided even feeling the DEPTH of my joy. Can you believe it??? Seems crazy I know, but since I’m working more towards being PRESENT with everything I’m doing, I discovered this sad truth.

There are many times when I’m painting, and just as I’m settling in and feeling the warm elation of doing what I love, I’ll distract myself by NEEDING TO TEXT SOMEONE RIGHT NOW, or

SUDDENLY NEEDING TO CHECK ON AMAZON FOR A PRODUCT.

I know it’s not like I’m doing heroin, this is obviously much smaller scale. But I don’t want to shut off my joy in any way. If I’m used to shutting off my sadness or my anger or my hurt, it makes perfect sense that JOY could get squashed as well.  What about you? Does this resonate with any of you?

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! I love getting these realizations because then I can make a tweak!

Yesterday, I put my phone away when I was making art. I sat in the silence so the only sound was my breath, and the paintbrush sliding across the paper. And. I. Was. In. Bliss.

I’m just going to believe that the more I embrace feeling my feelings all the way to the bottom, there will be more space for clarity, focus, connection and creativity.

xo

 

Dr. Gary Greenberg

Because of my fascination with everything microscopic, I stumbled upon this incredible scientist/artist. Dr. Greenberg takes microscopic images of many different  things that end up being art. My favorite are the grains of sand. They are so unique like individually created pieces of pottery from outer space.

Check him out!!
http://sandgrains.com/Sand-Grains-Gallery.html

https://barbourdesign.wordpress.com/2015/02/10/sand-macrophotography-of-dr-gary-greenberg/

 

Passion!

Here’s to the bursting buzzing excitement that is stored in all of us. The giddy deliciousness that bubbles over into explosive gasping pieces of joy like confetti in a windstorm.

Here’s to the fire pulsing at the bottom of our guts vibrating, moving, seething,.. ready to boil over.
And the hot sticky tears, overwhelmed with laughter!

Ahhhh!! Passion!

 

 

Finding the Tribe

As I find myself, I find my tribe.

It’s funny, I’m looking back through my life, and at certain times I thought I’d found MY TRIBE that would last a lifetime. Maybe I had. Maybe the ‘lifetime’ just ended before my life did.

It seems like people have this fascination with having great friends for a long period of time. However, if we are all ever evolving there is a very good chance that two people do not change at the same time.
Or even in remotely the same way.

Maybe our TRIBE is always shifting.

Even a year ago, I thought I had MY TRIBE. My lifetime tribe. I never would have guessed in a thousand years that my friendship base would have changed so much in just a year. I had some close girlfriends in my life that I’ve known for a really, really long time, through so many breakups and breakdowns and breakthroughs. We knew pretty much everything about each other. It’s hard to believe that only 9 months later we don’t even talk.
Sure I was sad for awhile, very sad and hurt when I felt that the relationship was changing.

Then I realized something.
What if we were in each other’s lives when we needed it?

But what if the relationship doesn’t make sense anymore because we’ve learned what we needed to learn?

Is that so bad?

I’m really not angry about this. I am who I am right now because they were in my life. Because I had someone to share my pain with, my joys with, my fears, and my love, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. In so many ways they taught me what friendship was, in the capacity that I could experience it.

I send them love almost everyday, and though we will probably never be close again, I am not angry. I am grateful. I am also astounded by the constant evolution of life. The constant movement that we could never expect.

So as my current tribe is being created, I’m fully aware of who I am bringing closer and why. In the past, maybe I was drawn to people for a variety of reasons unknown.

But that is not who I am anymore.

I know exactly what I am seeking and attracted to. I know what I want more of, and what feels good. My tribe is exactly what I need now in my life.

I guess I feel a little nostalgic for my dear old friends right now. I’m sending so much love to all those wonderful people that I loved and cherished throughout the years. Thank you for all the friendship and tears and I hope you find everything your heart wants.

I hope you are surrounded in the tribe that your soul needs. 

 

 

Biscuits and Trout

I was just out on a beautiful long hike with a good friend of mine. I love the mixture of deep talks and nature, there’s sort of nothing like it.

Anyway, she has recently gotten her real estate license for California and I was asking her what the PLANS ARE.

I love what she said!! She started with, “I’m really checking in with myself every day to feel where I am and where I’d like to be. I’m heading in one direction, but who knows, I may end up heading in a different direction. But I’m going to move where my heart feels it should go.”

I love this for so many reasons. First of all this crazy society we live in is all about ACCOMPLISHMENT. We set out on a path (any path) and if we decide along the way that we don’t like it or want it anymore, we usually either:

A. Push even harder! I must conquer! I must win! I will ACCOMPLISH these dreams! (Even if they aren’t anymore, but don’t tell anyone.)

B. I’m going to quit everything and then feel super shitty about myself. Oh gawd what is wrong with me? I can never finish anything. I’m so scared to START something, I may decide I don’t like the path I choose.

What is it that has terrified us into making the WRONG decision? What if we are really here to experience and expand and check in with what our soul needs?

What if the word accomplishMENT is really what are we MENT to accomplish? What if it’s not whatever we can get our hands on. What if it’s what our soul is truly MENT to do, not all the anxious buzzing bullshit that only looks great on paper but feels empty inside.

I loooooooooove that my friend was able to articulate her feelings about possibly migrating from one thing to the next. Knowing what she’d like to do now, but also honoring herself for the inevitable changes she’ll make along the way.

 

My girlfriend went on to say that she is not sure what her next venture in life will be, but she knows that she will NOT be pulled to do something just for the money.

She also said that she is OKAY NOT KNOWING where will end up.

She is comfortable in the unknowing, of trusting that the answers she needs will show up when she needs them.

Woa. How would it be to live like this? To gently move from one truth to another, from one trusting moment to bliss to passion to joy and back to trusting?

What if life can really be like this? 

So I’m checking in with me.

All the parts that have felt embarrassed or vulnerable for passionately starting ideas and businesses and friendships and projects and relationships all to find out that they weren’t really for me in the long run. That I was seeking them for the wrong reasons. Is that so bad? Hey I’ve been doing things! I’ve been moving forward, and getting my hands dirty and making messes and gaining experiences!

I am going to spend a little time apologizing for all the times that I was angry at myself for NOT FINISHING WHAT I STARTED, NOT CONQUERING!

When maybe, just maybe I was listening to my heart all along. Maybe I got what I needed and then it was time to have a different experience.

Maybe I am whole just as I am, and maybe my heart can (and does) guide me better than I realized. 

 

 

Finished!

After a bunch more hours and hundreds of new lines,.. I am finished! I really enjoyed making this piece. In hindsight there were probably much quicker ways to get the same results but that’s okay! Trial and error, right? I’m liking the contracting colors but it’d be fun to put into Photoshop and change everything up. Hmmm!!

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