Words that make it all better

My bonus daughter is away for 4 days at Lacrosse camp. She just started learning the game a couple weeks ago and now is in an immersive camp with a bunch of girls that have been doing it for years. She was so nervous to go. She is so hard on herself, and will not try new things easily with the fear that she won’t be great at it. It was so brave of her to take this leap and go. We hoped that once she got there and felt uncomfortable for an hour or so,  it would start to get better, and she may even enjoy it.

She texted me this morning to let me know that the girls there are so nice. She was telling them that she’s not as good as they are and she was embarrassed to play. They told her that she is so much better than they were for just starting, and that she is doing great. This made her day!  I love that there are 13 year old girls, in all the awkwardness of that age, that can open up to say exactly what someone needs to hear.  I love that the distaste of middle school years that I still have in my mouth can be swept away by girls that are willing to HELP when they see someone struggling. I want to give them a hug!! They probably know how it feels to feel like the worst at something. To feel different. To feel not as good, or special. I love that my bonus daughter heard them. She was willing to listen to them.  Hearing that you are okay from another 13 year old girl? Oh my gosh, priceless.

It’s moments like these that I feel like humanity isn’t as bad as we think it is. There is still kindness, there is still people (young girls even) willing to reach out a hand to someone that needs it. Thank you thank you random girls for making our girls day.

Play

I’ve been playing around with the idea of allowing the lines and colors and movement to come through me, like they do in my art journal. I know I’ve written before about having that intention and yet the actual art piece feels forced.
I learned an important lesson the other day on a long walk. I can’t create art to FEEL organic and effortless when I haven’t created it that way.

So my practice continues…

I was told so many times in art school that I need to start with a PLAN, a sketch, and then repeat that onto a canvas or paper. I was told that THIS is creating art. This has never worked for me, and I felt like a fraud because of it. I have always loving arriving at an empty piece of paper, allowing my hands to move, opening up to the colors and movement that need to come forth. When I create like that, there is an ease. There is a flow. There is me.

This particular piece started out with me pushing. I was so excited to create something, that I forgot to arrive with reverence and feel first. I created habitual lines instead of waiting for the intuitive swaying inside of me. I ended up feeling lost and in my head. But the beautiful thing is, is that I took a deep breath and started again. I didn’t make a move until I felt guided. This piece is proof to myself that even if I get off track and get in my head, I can fix it. I can adjust it, I can go back to organic creation. Ha!

All is not lost! 😉

Who Are You With

Life can move so fast, sometimes we forget to check in with what is FEELING right, what is FEELING good.

This is a good piece to remember….

Today I appreciate

I appreciate listening to Oprah’s words of Wisdom while I work on this book I am creating.

I appreciate these moments of silence in the library with my noise cancelling headphones.

I appreciate hearing Will Smith say that ‘Self discipline is the definition of self love,’ and seeing the places that I can work on my own self discipline/love.

I appreciate getting some great Ah-ha! moments with art!

I appreciate choosing to write 5 things I’m grateful for every evening before bed.

I appreciate visualizing the way I want to see my life.

I appreciate hearing Oprah say that we become what we believe.

I appreciate that I can make new choices for showing up my most authentic way.

I  appreciate that my muscles and mind are strong.

I appreciate that I am starting yoga again soon.

I appreciate that taking deep breaths usually relaxes me right away.

I appreciate hearing my bonus daughter say that I’m one of her favorite people.

I appreciate that I am capable of showing up my truest and most authentic self.

I appreciate late afternoon walks with my hubby.

I appreciate taking kitten out for a walk and watching him bask in the sun.

I appreciate that our house usually smells of homemade food.

I appreciate  nourishing my body with healthy food.

I appreciate that I am drinking a gallon of water a day. Yikes!

I appreciate the feeling of being loved for exactly as I am.

I appreciate loving and enjoying my siblings.

I appreciate deep meditation.

I appreciate new, thick art paper.

I appreciate that I am here in this reality, on this planet, for so many reasons, even if I don’t know yet what they all are.

 

 

Get Lost

After all these years of feeling inadequate because I didn’t follow a concrete PLAN, I am finally relishing my wild spirit that enjoys getting lost.

Maybe not knowing the next step is okay.

Maybe allowing myself to burst with excitement about something obscure and unique is wonderful.

Maybe the dark alleyways and strange curiosities that I noticed and didn’t ignore, but instead:
choose to check out,
look into,
spy on,
research,
investigate,
and experience
helped me choose to finally enjoy the rebellious, inquisitive, marvelous mind of wonder that. I. have.

 

 

Beautiful

I would love my bonus daughter to feel good in her own skin. To enjoy who she is as a human, and know that she is enough.

But I also know that she is 13, and just at the BEGINNING of weirdness and possibly a push/pull relationship with her body.

So how can I help? What can I do to make it better or guide her to see her beautiful spirit and not just the fact that she doesn’t fit the societal MOLD of what is considered beautiful?

I know I need to talk to her more about it than I have been.

But there are a lot of different thoughts running through my mind. I don’t know if SHOWERING her with compliments is the way for her to see her true power.

  • I was given a lot of compliments on my looks as a kid, and I didn’t believe any of them.
  • I felt ugly even though I was told I was beautiful.
  • Feeling truly beautiful is when we don’t need to be TOLD them from other people, we just feel our own power. So telling her a lot isn’t necessarily going to convince her.
  • I know I had a very different experience related to beauty growing up than she is. And yet I didn’t feel good about myself at all. I’d like to share more with her, and maybe remind her that one day, as she’s living more her truth, she will see her pure beauty.
  • I like the idea of using the compliment of ‘beautiful’ related to being kind and loving, like I read someone blogging. That it doesn’t need to only represent outer appearance.
  • Maybe I can remind her that as I have gotten older, the times when I actually FEEL beautiful are when I just stood up for myself, or when I am doing something where I am so present and immersed in it, I lose myself. I feel solid and enough and beautiful.
  • Maybe I can also tell her that just having people think you are ‘pretty’ isn’t that helpful if you don’t believe them.
  • People will always have different opinions about beauty anyway. If we are swayed back and forth if someone sees it and the next person doesn’t, we won’t feel beautiful. Beauty starts deep inside US.
  • I can also remind her that the times when I feel ugly are when I don’t speak up for myself, when I swallow my feelings and when I am trying to be different than I am.
  • Some of the most beautiful people I know do not fit societies standards of beautiful. In fact, 99.9% of people don’t fit those standards, and we can find beauty in everyone.
  • Remind her that there have been so many times that I would see someone and be swept up in their beauty and then created a story in my head about how their life must be so much better than mine, etc. And how loved they must be, etc. Once I got to know them I realized that they were going through similar things as me. There life wasn’t any better because I thought they were pretty.

Those of you that have girls, what is your experience?

I can see that not telling someone they are beautiful because of the fear that they will think that is all they are, may not be the best decision either. Maybe there is a happy medium where they are told they are beautiful but they are also told their are brave and kind and loving and strong.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts!!

xo

 

Endless Loop?

Wow… It’s been OVER a month since I created a blog post. I can’t even believe it. I knew May was going to be full, and it was. I am just starting to get myself back on a schedule, an even better one, but I can’t believe  it’s been over a month. Sheesh!

Though I’m learning a lot  about myself every day, I’m aware that I don’t feel quite as confident as I would like. Even after all these years of growth and change, and new decisions, and speaking my truth, there are still voices that  show up in my head vicious and irritated.
Wishing that I was:
something different,
something more,
better,
faster,
more involved,
less involved,
more confident,
more of a fighter,
more social,
better in groups,
enough.
That still happens, and I can see my pattern. I can see where the blame and shame shows up, where I feel disgusted at myself, and where I feel like I would be enough if I just pushed a little harder.

I recently had a discussion about this sort of thing with my sister in law. And the question is; what if I don’t need to PUSH harder? Why do I always assume that if something is happening that I don’t like, that it’s my JOB to WORK HARDER to get where I want to go, or get a relationship to where I want it to be?

I don’t know.

I guess that was the way I was raised, right? That our job is to spin our wheels pushing fighting, pounding until we FIX it. Until we beat it to death, whatever it is. It’s so funny writing that out, because it’s not at all how I live my life, and not at all how I would want my kids to feel. And yet, there it is. The feeling that I am not enough and that I MUST exhaust every morsel of my being, and even then there is probably something wrong with me.

What if life gets to be easier than that? More at ease? Even though I resonate far more with ease, there is still a part of me that feels I need to push, jab, fight to move forward.

Maybe this is just a rambling post of me feeling lost and searching once again for a glimmer of my personal power. How no matter how much work we may do on ourselves, the mean self talk can still show up. And something I’m not even AWARE that the voice has stepped into my head.

I just start believing it.

My husband just told me earlier today that he loves every part of me. It  made me so sad, that we can so easily offer that to people we love,  but it is so hard to do for ourselves. Every part of ME? I mean, I accept more parts than I used to. I am grateful for more than I used to be. But there is still a lot of judgement voices. EVERY part of me? How wonderful that would be to just know who I am and accept and love myself fully. Is that even possible? Or is it an endless loop of feeling like we get close and then finding another issue/quirk/problem/mistake/flaw that we need to lean in to offering love to? Are we doing this when we are 90 no matter what? Or is there a way to get to the point of loving all of it?

I have to remember that even though I feel immersed in emotions and negative self talk, that doesn’t mean I am not growing and learning and moving forward. It doesn’t mean I am backpedaling or stuck, or incapable or wrong. It means maybe that there is another level that I can work through to be a better version of me.

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