I’ve been working on this piece for awhile now, and I’m relishing every moment. When I start feeling like I need to hurry it up, I remind myself ‘what am I doing this for?’ Do I want to rush through what I absolutely love doing? How is that going to be the best thing for me? So I’m soaking in creation and trusting that it’ll be finished when it’s supposed to be finished. Ahhhhhh
My dear sweet warm loving hubby told me yesterday that I am messy,
and he’s right.
I am messy.
Before I lived with him, I thought I was laid back. I thought I was nonchalant and super chill and I was so wrong. When I lived alone, I’d hide away in my house when I had FEELINGS so no one knew I did. I was so embarrassed about having them, I sort of forgot myself.
But when you live with someone, they SEE IT ALL,
and I. Am. Messy.
I can go from 0-60 in 2 seconds flat. I can be calm and then freakin’ lose it.
I can jump to conclusions, interrupt, burst into tears, and shut down completely. He doesn’t know what he’s going to get at any moment in time and I’m sure it’s totally annoying.
But just like everyone, I am trying to figure it out. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got life under control and I feel enthusiastic, and uplifted and ready and alive. Other times I feel incompetent and petty and wrong.
Maybe I’m way more emotional then others. Maybe I’m a little bit scarier than some. But we all have STUFF and I’ll continue to learn and grow to become the best version of me that I can.
I used to think only specific things were art. They need to have
A POINT OF VIEW!
A REASON (at least)!
But now,… do I really believe that? There are many things that I notice every single day that are unique and fascinating maybe even grungy and raw and wild and full and explosive.
Why can’t they be art as well?
Maybe anything that stops you in your tracks, or causes you to feel, or take notice, or want to play or create is art….
Accidental Art. ahhh!
Here is a collection of some accidental art I found in Mexico about a month ago. Love the chipped paint, broken locks and old newspaper ads! Ahhhh
I have this extreme love/hate relationship with this hardcore yoga class called yoga sculpt. The temperature is turned up so high your body begins dripping with sweat, and then along with some yoga moves, you are pumping iron
The first time I did it I ended up stopping in the middle, totally done, gasping for breath on the floor and thought I was going to die. Seriously. I have worked out my entire life and yet this is the absolute hardest class I have ever done.
Now this is where things get interesting. Sure the class is hard, sure it’s like a fucking nightmare, lez be honest. But it does end! The intervals end, the downward dogs end, the horrible squats, all end.
It was a habit of mine for most of the time I was in this class to STOP when it got horrible. My chest starts burning, and my limbs shake so hard I think they will fall off, and there is so much sweat on my face that my contacts are swimming. So I would stop.
I started to believe that I COULDN’T go on.
Stopping became a habit.
And then I realized something.
I’m stopping before the miracle even happens. I’m stopping when it gets tough, when I feel super uncomfortable,..
I was outta there.
This didn’t just happen in yoga for me, it was like my whole life was laid out on the mat.
I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE IN SO MANY AREAS OF MY LIFE.
Life gets horrible, or feels nearly impossible and I checked out.
So what if I start to do things differently in this yoga class? Maybe there’s a chance that I start to become more aware of it in my life. What I have also realized is that it’s okay to slow down. What if instead of STOPPING, I get really present and breathe in compassion and MOVE SLOWER,
BUT DON’T STOP?
I’m not always perfect about this little tweak. Sometimes I still get so mind bobblingly ill that I have to stop, and that is okay. But I would say in general I push myself more.
Isn’t this true about LIFE? All parts of LIFE? Creating art or having relationships or finding a great job or doing really anything? If we QUIT when it hurts or feels yucky, what happens? We miss out. The art won’t get looked at, we won’t get that great job, we won’t work out relationship issues,
NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
I’m focusing on slowing down if I need to, but NOT STOPPING. I can do this, I can get through life (and HORRIBLY AMAZING yoga). There is always an ebb and flow, and it always gets better. I can do this, and so can you. We can move through even when it’s hard.
This morning while I was taking a shower, I was thinking about what to write today.
My love of almond butter?
My attempts at shutting up my super loud, (sorta cute) kitten from meowing me off a ledge?
My present situation with my step children?
My sudden 80’s ballad outbursts?
On one hand, I’m really enjoying getting down my thoughts about life and art and my kitten,.. hahah And yet on another hand, it feels really really yuckily self indulgent.
Normally, if you’d met me in real life, I would tell you less about myself, and I’d be asking a lot of questions. I am very fascinated by people and want to know ALL. OF. IT.
You know what I’d like to do? I’d really like to have a creativity circle where everyone comes, brings the thing they are working on, we each take turns discussing our FEELINGS and our FEARS and we RELISH in the fact that we GET TO CREATE. We can all hear and SUPPORT and VALIDATE each other. Ah!
Doesn’t that sound amazing?
It’s just another Thursday, walking my cat down the street.
They said it couldn’t be done, but my desire for a small furry animal to walk with me (and then hopefully learn to jaunt), outweighed the obvious absurdity of even attempting such a task.
We’d practiced for months inside using a leash and now he’s a full blown front lawn explorer. Yesss!!!! We. Frickin’. Did it.
This is a pic of my bonus daughter taking Nova out and about. They are such a good team!